Helga on the couch
by FireStormPataki
Summary: After a 10 year relationship and 2 years since their break up, Arnold and Helga have completely different lives. What will it take for them to be together again? Its a heartbreaking tale that is sure to pull on the heart strings. See the story unfold through Helgas eyes in her perspective.
1. 2 years, 3 months and 10 days

Chapter 1: 2 years, 3 months and 10 days

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Some times I run into him at the grocery store, the arcade, even the movie theater. He's usually with HER. I can hear her annoying cackle from a million miles away. It haunts me. Her happiness haunts me. I duck and cover and hid behind the strawberry stand. I can hear his voice asking her if 1 pound of ground beef is enough. She usually ignores him and throw's some random item in the cart they cant afford. All while I just sit and stew in my own jealousy. I hate them both so much. Every second I live in this alternate universe saps the life out of me. That should be me, It was suppose to be me. I feel like im an impostor in my own world. Who is Helga G. Pataki anymore?. I used to keep my locket with me, even when I knew Arnold was looking at someone else. Now, I cant even bring myself to remember his face. But the fucked up part about it, is that I cant seem to forget. No matter how many times I run into him and avoid looking directly at him. A total eclipse that could blind me in an instant. I wish he would sometimes ya know..Just burn my eye's out of my skull so I dont have to see him with her anymore...Ha! What good would that do anyway when he's already sketched in to my mind". I sat there, staring up at the ceiling, talking away while my therapist scribbled on a piece of paper. She must be so tired of hearing me talk about the same crap over and over. The look on her face is priceless. My therapist probably dreams about Arnold just as much as I do. I sat back on the uncomfortable purple leather couch, sinking my shoulder's deep in to it.

"Helga, I think it's time for you to truly let this go. I know its easier said than done, but you should take the necessary steps" she said. I couldn't help but roll my eye's a bit. I kinda felt bad for her, really. How many time's can one person give the same advice over and over?. I was a basket case that couldn't be solved. "Well, I should get goin', I gotta get back to work" I said in the most unenthusiastic way. I didn't really have to, I just wanted out of there. "Okay Helga, take care of yourself and dont forget to take those steps to moving on" she said. That bothered me. Like a take one pill and call me in the morning type of feeling. I've done everything in my power to move on per say, its just not easy. Especially for someone who literally has no Idea how to love anyone else. "Got it doc" I said, winking my way out her office. I sat down by the bench outside the building waiting for the bus as I usually do on a Tuesday morning. I tend to sit here and remind myself of how time flies or what not, and how it's been 2 years, 3 months and 10 days since me and Arnold last spoke to each other. How me and Arnold had a 10 year relationship before It all went to shit. The bus pulled up with just enough time for me to sink in to my daily depressive spout. I sat towards the back, resting my head in my hands. I continued to overthink again. After the whole san lorzeno event, it took some adjusting for us. People laughed, I punched out a few faces and Arnold had to clean up my battles. I didn't care really, I just had to have the last word.

We had our fair share of fights, but it always resolved itself. I was stubborn and stuck on bad habits, and Arnold was well, Arnold. We shared a lot of firsts together. Some clean, some pretty damn dirty if you know what I mean. I cant help but smile when I plunge my mind into the dark abyss that is my past. As I watch each passing stranger from my Hillwood transit window, I always wish he would be one of them, because lets face it, he's a stranger now. Its crazy how that is. My mind went silent for awhile. I was so lost in thought that I didn't have any. Kept counting those strangers like sheep. My life feels so foreign to me. I've been living in this empty space for awhile now. It's become routine. Im digging for any type of emotion but the only thing I ever feel is heartbreak, pain and jealousy. Such bitter jealousy that it cant possibly leave room for any other emotion. I tugged on the wire to signal for my stop. The screech of the bus tires cut my ears like a knife as I stepped off. Looking up at my 1 bedroom apartment in mid town never looked so foggy. I knew that today was one of those bad day's I had to try to shake off. Lucky for me, I stocked the fridge with a few wine coolers. I threw my key's across the room and jumped on to my 1200 dollar, with interest, black leather couch. I turned on the tv for background noise and shut my eye's. I have this deep craving for something I cant have. Every minute's like a thousand year's, since Arnold was lying here. No matter how many times I febreeze the couch, It still smells like him. I hear him so clearly in my head, like a song you cant forget the words to. Honestly, i've become comfortably painful. The only thing thats completely faded away is the feeling of love. I felt my phone buzzing in my back pocket. I know its Phoebe, It's always her. I decided to answer it anyway.

"What is it pheebs?" I asked. "Helga!" she shouted. The sound of her voice irked me. Why is she always so happy?, oh thats right, Gerald. "Phoebe!" I mocked her. "Listen, I have some really good new's to tell you. Can you come over my house say around, 4 pm?" she asked. I thought about my answer long and hard. I could sit here and dwell on my failed love life, or be there for my friend. "No. Im busy today" I said without hesitation. I could feel her disappointment through the phone. Her deep annoyed breaths in between her sighs. "Alright, alright, ill come" I couldn't help but cave in. She didn't have to say much for me to. "Yay! okay great, my place, see you then!" she said. I tossed my phone aside and turned over to grab a quick nap. I knew that If I had to fake a smile for a couple of hours, I needed to rest up. My dream's never let me live it down. Sometimes I would force myself to stay awake to avoid dreaming of him. It was like clock work. He show's up as if it's the only way to visit me. Criminy, he isn't even dead!. I unfortunately dream of good out comes and past memories. I'll take one nightmare, just one. Then, maybe my real life wouldn't feel so nightmarish as it is. I woke up a couple of hour's later and stuffed my face with junk food. I forced myself to paint a face and wear some decent clothes and headed towards Phoebe and Gerald's apartment. It's walking distance from me, which is pretty cool. I always pass by the same homeless dude who ask's for my number. Im starting to question how desperate I am just by mentioning it. Arnold barely ever comes over so I usually avoid the awkward custody battle of who gets to hang out with them. I headed up the stairs and knocked on the door. Phoebe answered and without hesitation, gave me the biggest hug. I have to admit, I needed it.

I lightly tapped on her back to avoid too much physical contact. "Im so glad you could make it, come in!" she said, stepping aside for me to enter. "Dont forget to leave your shoes at the door!" she couldnt help but remind me. I of course, had to respect her Japanese way of life. "Yeah, yeah I know" I said, throwing my boots across the hardwood floor. I walked in to the odd mixture that is Gerald and Phoebe's apartment. It was like a Japanese/American hybrid of basketball trophies and samurai swords. I could feel a bit of tension in the air. Something wasn't right about this. I slowly sat down on the couch and looked around the room. I dont really know what I was looking for, but something was off. I've seen this apartment so many times and yet I felt like I was at a bad job interview. Phoebe sat next to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. It's as if she was about to tell me I had terminal cancer. What the heck was going on?!. "Do not freak out okay?.." she said. My heart instantly exploded in my chest. I felt chills rolling down my spin like a ghost was present. "Why would I freak out, what's going on?" I asked as calmly as possible. "Me and Gerald have some new's and well, as happy as I am to tell you..." she suddenly stopped talking. Her face went pale, avoiding direct eye contact with me. I heard these light foot steps coming from across the hall. I wasn't even sure how, but I had this urge to run and jump out a 3rd story window. I knew those footsteps and how the smell in the air changed. I heard chatter that I couldn't make out. A voice I trained myself to tune out and another, other than Gerald, who haunts me. I looked over at Phoebe with a mix of rage and fear. I was terrified but the last thing I want is for Arnold to believe that im falling apart. Phoebe quickly stood up as they entered the room.

I remained seated, staring at the mahogany coffee table in front of me. I could hear Gloria's fake laugh ringing in my ears. It felt like knives in my chest each time she chuckled. I gulped a deep long swallow as it hit the pit of my stomach. I was trying to avoid the nausea as I heard her lips pucker up to everyone's right and left cheek. I kept still, waiting for my chance to pretend like the rest of them. Arnold kept quiet, but with every few seconds I could feel his eye's shifting towards me. I felt them without ever looking behind me to clarify. I quickly stood up, turning and facing the group. A twitch plagued my right eye from the sheer stress of the situation. "Hello everyone" I said awkwardly sending out a wave. My eye's glued to a few degree's below to avoid making eye contact with him. My hands were a bit trembly, so I put them behind me. My face could barely keep the fake smile I planted on it. "You must be Helga" Gloria sirenesk voice pierced through me. I glanced up at her and nodded. She was disgustingly flawless. Not a crease on her skin, not a wrinkle on her clothes. Her hair was perfectly waved and her nail's were freshly painted, and here I was, barely even a human. I saw her arm quickly entangle with Arnold's. She knew I was seeping with pain and decided to spite me. She has every right I suppose. Arnold was still quiet, and because I was avoiding his face, I couldn't tell what he was feeling but I could still feel it. He was avoiding me too. With good reason. "So Pheebs, must be huge new's you got to share in order for you to get all these people here together..at once.." I said. I wanted to break up the tension a bit and shift the focus back on Phoebe. "Oh right yes, well.. we wanted to get you guy's all together because well..we're getting married!" she shouted. She held out her ring for us to see.

A part of me was pissed off at the fact that she had to get everyone all together and torture me in order for her to tell us that but a part of me was happy. "Congratulations" I whispered as I hugged her tightly. I didn't want to ruin this moment for her, even though I was boiling inside. "Im sorry.." she whispered back. I couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt. I knew right there and then that I had to give up my pride and figure out a way to be civil with Arnold. I knew I would be seeing more of him after tonight, so I have to make sure this doesn't turn ugly because of me. I gathered up every spec of courage I had and walked towards Arnold. "Hey, can I talk to you?" I whispered. I still couldn't look at him. My eye's kept forward but never upward. "Sure.." he said. I followed him outside as they continued their congratulatory festivities. I stuck my hands in my jean pockets and started to rock back and forth a bit. "So listen, my best friend's about to get married and evidently, so is your's. I think its best if we can learn to tolerate each other and not make this all about-" I quickly forgot my place and my eye's shifted up to him. This was the first time I looked in to his eye's in 2 years. My heart stopped. It broke down and shut off completely. I lost all breath in my lungs and feeling in my limbs. I felt on the brink of collapse but managed to pull myself up. Arnold's eye's were shaded, and gray. Even though he swept me off my feet and had me floating, these eye's were different. The same eye's I've learned from the inside out, were completely shattered. "Helga.." He whispered softly. His voice was deflated and wispy. I felt his soul reaching out to mine and trying to grab a hold. I felt my soul pulling forward to try and touch. "Hey baby, you out here"? Gloria stepped outside. Her presence broke the hold as we both snapped back in to reality. Arnold shifted his focus towards her and smiled. "Just a minute" he shouted. "Sorry, I have to go..let's talk about this later okay?" he said.

I nodded, without even attempting to stop him. I counted the steps he took back inside. I sat there for awhile, pissed off at myself for being such a coward. I wish I could channel the old Helga Pataki. The one who would never let anyone get in the way. I've completely lost myself in this heartbreak. My personality is washed out without my yearn for Arnold. I've been living like that out of love potion actually worked. Seeing Arnold tonight made me realize one important thing. I still love him more than she could ever imagine to love him. That our soul's are still crying out for each other. That no matter how many year's pass, fate is fate. I have to be become the Helga I once was. I have to. After a few moment's in an epiphany, I headed back inside. I stormed in to the living room and leaned up against the door frame. I cleared my throat loudly to grab the attention of the room. I chose to ignore the fact the Gloria was death glaring me from across the room and smacked a sexy smirk on my face. "So, as Phoebe's best friend and possibly maid of honor..-" I glared at Phoebe. "Oh of course you are Helga!" she said, confirming my theory. "Good, because this wedding is going to be amazing and there isn't ANYONE or ANYTHING that is going to ruin it, Got it?!" I said, demanding the room for answers. Everyone nodded with the exception of miss perfect. I glanced over at Arnold who quickly winked and smirked. My self confidence was proceeding me. I could tell from his sneaky smile. "I'll grab us some champagne to celebrate" Arnold said as he stood up and headed towards the kitchen. I wasn't sure if I should follow him but at this point, I didn't care if she saw me do it or not. Phoebe sat beside Gloria to strike up a conversation. She quickly glanced over at me, giving me the okay to follow him out. I slipped out the door behind me and glided in to the kitchen. Arnold's back was facing me while he grabbed the bottles from the fridge. "Can you hurry it up Arnoldo, some of us have live's ya know" I said in a sly but somewhat sexy tone. Arnold quickly lifted his head out of the fridge and faced me.

"You scared me.." he chuckled a bit. I slowly walked over to him and leaned on the counter behind me. "So, How the heck are you football head?" I asked him, even though a part of me didn't want to know. "The truth or would you like me to lie?" he said. The look on his face was hard to read. I wasn't sure if he was annoyed at me asking, or if he was ready to vent to me about how crappy his life was. "Whatever helps you sleep at night" I said. He smirked, letting out a quickly chuckle. "Then yeah, Im fine. Doing just great" he said, faking a huge smile. "That bad huh?, well, Im sorry to hear that" I said as cunning as I possibly could. I might have channeled the old Helga way too much. He just laughed to himself and didn't say much. I could only guess he didn't have much of a rebuttal. "...If it helps, my life isnt that great either. It hasn't been for a long time.." I decided to let my walls down a bit. He glanced up at me as he set down the perseco. "Im sorry to hear that" he said with a slight whisper. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to save the situation. "Right well, like I said before, hurry up and get these bottles out there bucko" I said. I couldn't bring myself to save it anymore and decided to revert backwards. "Whatever you say Helga" he said as he usually would. I darted out of the kitchen as quickly as possible and hid myself in the bathroom. I couldn't stand myself right now. How did I let it get this bad between us?!. I know Arnold was trying to reach out to me and I slapped his hand away. I could hear the loud chatter from the living room seeping through the cracks in the doorway. I sat on the edge of the bath tub, debating if I could fit through the tiny bathroom window. "Hey Helga, are you okay?" Phoebe of course, came to check on me. "Im fine. Cant a girl get some privacy sheesh!?" I shouted to her. "Sorry, its just..I know how hard this whole situation must be and Im so sorry I didn't warn you before hand. I just wanted you to be here for the news.." Phoebe said apologetically.

I know she was sorry and to be honest, I was upset at her. "Its okay Pheebs.." I said. I knew I couldn't keep a petty grudge like that for too long. "You dont have to stay. I've already pushed you to your limit. If you want to go, I promise I wont be upset" she tried to reassure me. I took a moment to battle with the idea of staying and leaving. Was I done trying to take baby steps with Arnold? or should I go for the leap instead?. Either way, what do I got to lose that I already dont have anyway?. "..I'll meet you in the living room. Dont you worry about it Phoebe, Im gonna be just fine. Now get your ass back in there" I said. I wasn't sure if I meant any of it or just wanted to come off extra powerful. "Leaving!" she said with a slight smile in her voice. I sat up, walked over to the mirror and fixed up a few natural smears in my makeup. I missed a few hair's in my eyebrows and I could use a lesson in eye liner but I just a fucking human being. After a moment of convincing myself it was better to be average, I headed out the door and back in to the lions den. I shifted across the room, grabbing a glass of champagne and planted down on the corner of the couch. Since I was the obvious 5th wheel, I sat back and made myself comfortable. I sipped on my proseco, tapping my finger nails on the leather, just scanning the room slowly. Phoebe was pressed against Gerald's chest, Gloria was having this boring conversation about plant life or whatever and Arnold was lifeless. His eye's were slanted right and piercing the floor boards. Every time Gloria asked him if he "remembered that" or "If that was a good idea" he would just nod. I couldn't help but keep my focus on him. He wouldn't dare to look up at me, so I felt safe to stare a bit. In this very moment, I was glade to be the 5th wheel. I didn't want anyone's attention really. I just wanted to sit here and admire him, uninterrupted. It's been too long since I last counted the line's on his hands and the freckles on his face. The way he cracks a side smile over every little thing. I missed him so much that after a few minutes of admiring him, It started to become to painful. He was right in front of me but we had this whole world between us.

I knew I over stayed my welcome, or at least over stayed my own patience. "I should get going, its pretty late. I'd stay longer but im afraid of running into homeless dude's who are oddly thirsty for my number. Must be the free boo's or somethin' " I stood up and placed my empty glass on the counter. Arnold's attention quickly directed towards me. He stood up in hopes of getting some goodbye hug. "Bye Helga, thanks for coming. See ya soon" Gerald said as he fist bumped me. He's not a hugger, which im completely fine with. Phoebe stood up and gave me a quick hug. I turned to face the dreaded perfect couple. Gloria gave me a fake smile and wave. It looked like she was physically forcing herself to try. I didn't mind though. This distance between us was enough. I couldn't even handle handing her a napkin without breaking her finger in the process. I glanced up at Arnold, not expecting any type of physical contact in any way, shape or form. So I just smirked at him and brought my eye's up towards his. His eye's were so defeated. He looked devastated to see me go. There was so much he was trying to tell me. I wished in that moment that I could open up my soul and let him fall in to me. But I knew that the ball and chain he had wrapped around his ankle was enough to keep him still. She made sure to keep him from making contact. So I gathered up my broken pride and headed out the front door. The minute the door behind me shut, my limbs went completely numb. I hit the floor so hard that I felt my knee's scrap the concrete. I threw my hands up to my face and started to sob. I couldn't even make it down the apartment steps without a break down of some sort. I started to second guess my initial plan about taking Arnold back for myself. How can I stand another moment in this mirror world I live in?!. Seeing them together in action just makes it so much worse. The only sliver of hope I have left is Arnold's eyes. The question of weither or not he still love's me just from a single stare cant be enough sufficient evidence. Can it?. I finally picked up my broken bones and started walking.

Dragging myself towards my apartment felt like led in my shoes. My mascara was burning my eye's as it slid down my cheeks, painting them black. I haven't really cried like this in a while. Night time in mid town Hillwood isn't the safest place, but I didn't care. I heard a few whistles and holler's coming from a distance but I had a glass of champagne in me, mixed with the heartbreak for a thousand hearts. I dragged my feet up the stairs and in to my apartment. I continued to drag myself to my bedroom and face planted on to my bed. Everything felt so painful. My pillow was painful, the sheets, my own clothing. My heart was dictating everything around me and deeming it "painful". I shut my eye's in hopes of waking up from a dream I was having earlier in the day. The final nightmare I was hoping to have. To my demise I was awake, and in the real world. Shutting my eye's is a dangerous thing sometimes. I see memories behind these eyelids almost every time. Arnold walking in to my bedroom and laying beside me. Him smiling at the idea that I just got off the phone with a telemarketer and told him to fuck off. Him climbing on top of me after an argument, lifting my hands over my head and him just smirking his way down to my collar bone. I can see everything so clearly. Im just an ocean without a tide. No moon to shine the sky in the dark. I keep saying that I cant live this way but I continue to anyway. I opened my eyes to a pitch black bedroom with nothing but a buzzing cell phone light to pave the way. I wasn't sure who was calling me but I had a feeling it was Phoebe again. Maybe to apologize to me about tonight's not so great on my part, events. I let it buzz, and buzz and buzz. A few seconds later it started up again. Buzzing and buzzing. She seems persistent. Without even looking at the number, I dragged the phone to my ear. "What is it now?!" I shouted. There was a few seconds of silence. "Sorry is this a bad time..?" A voice who clearly wasn't Phoebe asked. I pulled the phone out in front of me to see the name or number. "Delete this number" was glowing in my view.

I renamed Arnolds number that a long time ago because I had to keep reminding myself that sooner or later I should delete it. I put the phone back up to my burning ear. "Uh no, sorry I thought you were someone else.." I said lightly. "Ah okay... I know this is sudden but I just wanted to talk to you" he said in a whisper. It seemed to be that this phone call wasn't something Gloria approved of. He was definitely hiding it from her. "Okay Arnoldo, start talkin' " I said. He waited a few seconds before responding. "No, lets meet. 2 am in front of the park bench". I sat there and listened to his nervous breathing for a few seconds. I wanted him to sweat it out a bit before I answered. "Fine. But if you dont show ill assume that the conversation is over. Got it football head?" I said as confidently as I could. "Ill be there. Dont you worry" he said immediately hanging up. I pulled the phone away and stared at it for a moment. I know he wants to talk but I figured it was something as trivial as being civil with one another. My curiosity would most likely kill me, but I didn't care. I was willing to take the risk and dash over to our iconic meeting spot, the park bench. The same bench we hatched our class egg and the same bench where he told me he loved me for the first time. I checked my phone every few minutes hoping the time would go faster. I decided to head over early, in hopes that he somehow did the same. "1:10, good enough" I thought. I flew down my apartment steps and started my 15 minute walk towards the park. The feeling of seeing Arnold again clouded my judgement to the dangers of midnight in Hillwood. I got to the park as quickly as I could without any interruptions and to my surprise, there he was. Punctual as usual. I approached him, hands in my bomber jacket, kicking my feet in front of me as if I didn't expect to see him there. I wouldn't let Arnold believe I was drowning without him again.

" you're early" I said as I stopped at his feet. He was sitting down with his hands on his knees and his head bowed down. He slowly looked up in my direction. His eye's were a bit brighter now that Gloria wasn't sucking the life out of them. He jolted up and wrapped his arms around me. I was startled but I was welcoming of his affection. "Yeah, so are you haha.." he giggled like a school boy. I took in the little time I had left in his arms and tried to memorize it. The smell of his cologne, the grip of his arms, even the warmth of his breath as he spoke near my neck. I didn't want it to end but I knew that he wasn't mine just yet. I pulled him away from me and held his shoulders. "Who said you could touch me?" I had to quote myself from years ago to be well, authentic. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I missed you. Im not afraid to admit that" he said. My heart fluttered hearing those words. I didn't want to give in to them, so I tried to make sure to keep my distance for a moment. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked to quickly change the subject. "...Honestly, I just wanted to see you..Is that wrong?" his cheeks were slowly starting to blush. I was surprised to say the least. I wanted to suggest something like "lets run away together" or "Screw Gloria, take me instead" but there was so many scars that nothing I said would matter. "I dont know what to say" i said as I let go of his shoulders. I was truly speechless after all. "Im sorry Helga, I shouldn't have even come here. I apologize if I wasted your time" he said trying to justify his actions somehow. "No, no..its okay. Im really glad you asked me out here. I wanted to make sure you knew that I just want to be civil with you during this whole process of Gerald and Phoebes wedding. I guess I didn't really have the chance to say that to you earlier" I said, trying to be an adult for once.

"That's all you want us to be..civil?" he asked. His eye's grew wide and glared like a puppy dog. I wasn't sure how to feel. I wasn't sure what he wanted out of this. "I mean, unless you have a better Idea" I suggested. I was hoping for a little more out of his spontaneous actions. "I dont know..I dont even know what im doing here.." he said. He started to pace back and forth, running his fingers through his hair as if he was fighting off his decision. "You left me Arnold, remember.. .me. I hate to bring it up but you made the decision on your own. You know how I always felt about you, how I always will. How it sucks so fucking much seeing you with the upgraded version of ME. The prettier model. The perfect white picket fence trophy wife" I couldn't help but let my heart speak for itself. I was sick of feeling like the bad guy in Arnold's secret text message scandal. He stopped pacing as his demeanor quickly changed. "Prettier model, are you kidding me Helga?!" he said, grabbing on to my arms. I couldn't look at him. I was already ashamed at myself for expressing this much emotion so quickly. "She was the closest thing I could have if I couldn't have you..." he said. I could feel his eye's piercing in my direction. I glanced over then back away. "Then why are you still with her"? I had to ask. There was so many questions I wanted to ask. I felt his hands tremble. "...I.." was all he could say. He slowly let go of his grip. I knew that in that very moment, he was rendered speechless. He was conflicted and probably regretting his previous statement. I looked back over to him to assess the damage. His heart was bared and beaten down. I took his hand and held it up to my cheek. I shut my eyes and tried my best to fight back the tears. It was a hopeless effort. They rolled down his hand and hit the pavement. He just stared at me and didn't try to retract his hand away. He let me crumble, even if it meant losing his new and shiny life. "Helga..I.." He started to speak but was interrupted by the buzz of his cell phone.

He had a choice to make in this very moment. I kept my eye's shut to avoid any further heart ache, but that was a complete understatement. With his free hand, he reached in to his back pocket and answered it within a few rings. "Hey, I was just taking a walk. Ill be back soon" he said to her. Each word ripped a part my very existence. I hated myself for believing I was somehow his first choice. Why did he even come here?, why did I even come here?!. I quickly threw his hand back at him and wiped my own tears. "I should go" I said and without hesitation I turned away. I didn't even take a moment to look at him after I opened my eye's, I just wanted to leave. He's seen enough of my desperate attempt to be strong. He had someone to go home to, even if it was a lie. It was a lie he chose instead of the real thing. Instead of me. "Wait Helga!" he shouted. I ignored his call and kept on moving forward. I sped up and turned a walk in to a jog. I didn't look back, not once. I knew if I did that In this case, I was 2nd choice. I didn't think I could feel anymore heart ache than I already have before but tonight was a special kind. It was the realization that I wasn't his everything anymore. I should have known though. His ringtone was playing loud but it wasn't our song. I hated myself even more for loving him just the same. That was the worst part I think. I finally made it back to my apartment and quickly hit the kitchen floor. I crawled to my fridge and grabbed my half opened bottle of Merlot and started to chug. It wasn't going to fix anything but I needed a easier way out. I kept trying to analyze the situation but it didn't change anything. I've always been so brave, strong and unbreakable but when it comes to Arnold, anything goes. I dragged myself and my bottle to bed. My soul felt so drained. The next morning I woke up with my clothes half on and the wine bottle pressed against my cheek. I slid my phone over to me from across the bed.

I had 14 missed calls. 14 fucking missed calls from "delete this number". Hasn't he had enough?. What the hell can he possibly want now? I thought. Just to drive myself further in to the ground I decided to listen to the 1 voice mail he decided to leave. I could barely make out his words. He sounded distraught. I almost wished it was because he got dumped. In between each gasp for air, I heard it. The dreaded few words that would change my life forever.

"I..still..love you" he said.

I listened to that voice mail over 20 times in the passed hour alone. Im not deaf, I know what I heard. The question is, what am I suppose to do about it?.


	2. From the damage

**Chapter 2: From the damage**

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Then, he said he loved me"

Here I was again, with DR. Bliss, laying on that purple leather couch. I pretty much barged in to her office and demanded to be seen. After hearing that voice mail from Arnold, I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to make a mistake again. There she was, scribbling on her paper again, nodding away at everything I said. I know she listens and I know she's right. "Helga, the ball is in your court now. Its up to you to play the game or walk away. Either way, you are strong for it. Try not to second guess yourself when you do make your move. Just make sure you think it through before you do" she said. I sat there and contemplated a bit more. I had this conflict I couldn't shake. "I guess I keep asking myself if he meant it, or even if he said it, he'd run back to her out of fear" I said. I kept my eye's to the ceiling. I kept replaying his voice in my head like a broken record. "You wont ever know until you speak to him again. I think that is your first step" she recommended. I knew what I had to do but my past seems to be my only obstacle. "You have no idea how badly I wanted to see him immediately after I heard that message but I came here instead. There's this little voice in my head that tell's me not to go yet there's a louder voice in my head that tell's me I should see him. I can't tell which voice is my head or my heart. I dont know doc, maybe im just too focused on the past" I said. She lifted her right eyebrow in curiosity. I never really did go in to detail about what happened 2 years ago. I treat it like PTSD and avoid it completely. "Speaking of your past, I know I've asked you before but I think its an important process in order for you to move forward. Helga, what happened between you and Arnold 2 years ago?" I knew that dreaded question was going to be brought up today. As much as I've been dodging it, I knew I needed to finally tell her what really happened.

"2 year's ago was a disaster and the reason why I ended up in this office in the first place. The day I dragged myself back here after 10 year's of not having to step in your office, was obviously the downward spiral, no offense" I said. she chuckled a bit. " None taken, please continue ". "That morning, before the end of us, we were great. I woke up that day like any other day. I was in his arm's in my bed, the room was dim because I like my black out curtains. We never knew the time because it never mattered to us. We spent the night before staying up pretty late and finding different way's to pleasure each other. Hahaha..ya know what I mean. Anyway, I got up, went in to the shower and usually he would wake up right after me and join me but not that day. I waited, sitting under the water until It got cold. He never showed up. It wasn't like him. So, of course like the moron that I am, I confronted him about it. Something that isn't even a big deal, I had to confront him anyway. I stormed out of the bathroom with my towel wrapped around me, soaking wet and agitated. I opened my mouth to hell and he wasn't there. I looked around my apartment and he vanished like he was abducted or something. I panicked, left him about 400 voice mails. Nothing. Silence. I went to his house, his parents didn't know where he was. Criminey, nobody knew. After about 3 to 4 hour's I finally got a message from him. He said "meet me at the park bench as soon as you can". Of course, I ran over there like a bat out of hell. I saw him sitting there by himself and immediately approached him. I dont remember much. It happened so fast. I was waving my hands around like a maniac and shouting, "Where have you been, what the hell is wrong with you, what the heck is going on?", blah blah blah. I was obviously worried.

Then, he said a few words my mind couldn't compute. I felt malfunctioned. All I heard was ,"I think we should break up"...and I flat lined. I didn't get it at all. I kept asking him why, over and over and over. What did I do wrong and how did this happen? over and over. I was blind sided. He seemed upset at me, like it was my fault but couldn't give me a straight answer. I thought I knew him better than that. In a matter of minute's and without me realizing it, he was gone. He never explained himself. He never answered my calls. He ghosted me after 10 years of being inseparable. He didn't even come by to get his stuff he left at my place. After a year in hiding, I saw him at the store. To my demise he was with someone else, with Gloria. It made me wonder if he was seeing her and broke it off with me to be with her. I cant seem to figure out the time line. I asked his friends, even his parents, and nobody seem's to know why he did it. They can't even make out the time line themselves. Gloria didn't appear until exactly 1 year after. I keep looking back at old emails and text messages. I keep trying to find the answer. I guess im afraid to finally talk to him, even though I know I have to. You know when you search for something for so long and you get so close to finding out that all you ever know is searching? that it's scary to finally face the truth? that how I feel right now. For him to say he still love's me mean's that whatever happened back then, wasn't enough for him to let go...My biggest fear though, is that he disappears again, without an explanation. I spent way too long defending him even though he hurt me this way...That wasn't Arnold 2 years ago...and I've convinced myself that after 10 years of knowing someone that there must be some bigger picture im missing...something" I said, finally finishing my story.

She sat in silence for awhile, trying to process it. Her eye's weren't full of pity but rather, pain for me."Im so sorry that happened to you. I wish you had told me that 2 year's ago but I understand why you didn't. I know how much pride you carry and maybe you felt guilty over something you thought you did. That must be an awful burden to carry, not knowing what went wrong. I understand why you didn't tell me right away. You were trying to cope from the damage of a world you saw burning and couldn't understand how the fire started. Helga, I think it's time to fully face your demon's. I think you need to forgive yourself and forgive Arnold no matter what you find out. Be brave and be the Helga who shouted at the top of her lung's, threw papers in the air and declared her love for Arnold. You need answers. Don't let fear deprive yourself from the truth." she said. I didn't say much after that. I stood still and kept my mind running until the meter was out. "Thank's doc, I dont know why you even put up with me. You aren't even suppose to, Im not a child anymore after all" I said. "You are a special case. Child or not, you trust me and I will always be there for you" she said as she smiled. I left the office and headed back to my apartment. I was back on that bus, leaning towards the window and watching those strangers again. Despite the fact I just told her everything that happened, my mind went back to Arnold's word's. The voice mail I had saved like a song on my Mp3 player. I finally got the guts to take the phone out of my back pocket and open the text app. I had my finger's on the key's but I couldn't move them. As I thought of the words to say I was saved by the buzz. Phoebe's name lit up my phone and I immediately answered. "What's up Pheebs"? I asked.

"Hey! I was just calling to check up on you. Last night was a little rough, just wanted to make sure you're okay" she said. "Yeah, yeah im fine. Just left my therapist because ya know im obviously hearing things.." I was trying to segue in to it. "Hearing things?" she questioned. "Yeah, last night Arnold left me a voice mail and I guess he was distraught but he ended with a good old fashion ,"I still love you", bit" I said, keeping my voice cool and calm."Wait what?!, he said WHAT?!" she shouted. "Oh trust me, I was just as shocked as you are. Stupid football head doesn't know what he wants. What a moron" I kept my cool going. "Helga! Why didn't you tell me!? this is important! Tell me everything!" she demanded. I spend the rest of the ride home explaining to her everything that happened till this very moment. Needless to say, she was speechless. After explaining my ordeal with Arnold, I crashed on my bed once again. I made a full circle back to the same position. No matter how much I vented about it, I still was too scared to make that call, or send that text. I kept my phone in my hands and my face flat on my pillow. I was coming up with all these crazy scenarios on how it would turn out and psyching myself out. I slowly crawled the phone up to my ear and took another listen to the message. During the message I noticed a slight knocking sound. For a moment I thought it was coming from the message itself but I noticed it getting louder. I stood up and walked over to my front door. I put my ear up to the door to listen for it again. "Helga, are you home?" a voice quietly asked. I quickly moved my ear away. I knew that voice all too well. I placed my hand on the knob with the intentions to turn it but I was frozen. "Listen, I know you're in there. Please, just open the door" he said. I took a deep breath and opened the door as quickly as I could. I couldn't sit there and debate anymore. I had to rip it off like a band-aid. There he was, standing there with his eye's plastered to the ground.

Guilt was radiating in my direction. "What do you want?" I asked with attitude. He was silent for awhile. Probably having his own war scene in his mind. "Can we talk inside?" he said, knowing full well I was putting up a front. I kept quiet, moving aside to let him in. I had all my soldiers ready to fire, but no idea what I would see over the walked in and stopped to look around. He's been here so many times. I wasn't sure what the heck he was looking for. "It's been so long since I've been here.." he said with a smirk. Seeing him back in here was bitter sweet. I wanted this for so long and yet, I never wanted it to be in this circumstance. I had to be the one to take the first shot, otherwise, It would be endless silence. "Ya know,That's really fuckin' screwed up what you said to me last night in your message Arnold" I leaped in that direction. "...I know. Im sorry.." he said. Suddenly, I was angrier than I was before. Why the hell was he apologizing for it?. I had a feeling he only came here to make sure I kept my mouth shut. "What do you mean "im sorry", Sorry for what?!, saying you still LOVED me?!, I thought for once you would apologize for disappearing on me 2 year's ago without a God damn clue as to WHY?!" I lost my grip on patience. He took the shots without firing back. He just kept still, clenching his fist and bracing for another blow. "You came all the way here to make sure I delete that message, didn't you?!" I said, keeping the war alive. "Helga, you dont understand..." he tried to wave his white flag. "Understand what?!, that after 10 year's of being soulmates you decided you needed a new one?! is THAT how it works?!" I couldn't stop myself anymore. "HELGA LISTEN TO ME" he shouted, finally deciding to show his bravery. "I meant it. Every word" he continued. I truly wasn't expecting that. It was another situation of having to clarify it, over and over.

"What..?" I whispered. "I still love you. I saw you for the 1st time in nearly 2 year's and I lost it. I had to see you, instantly. I had to call you, 100 time's just to hear your voice. When you didn't answer, I was physically in pain...And it hurts me so damn badly to have to tell you the truth..and its so ugly.." he said. I instantly sat down on my couch, bracing myself for what I was about to hear. I wasn't ready, but I couldn't stop it. He stood in front of me, his fists were shaking and his word's were barely eligible. I knew from his demeanor that I wasn't going to survive this. "I really messed thing's up Helga...2 year's ago, 2 month's before we broke up, Gloria started working at my job. I swear, It wasn't like that at first. We were just co worker's. I was dedicated to you. I promise you, that isn't why I ended thing's...One night, I was just about to leave work when Gloria was having car troubles. You know me, I had to help her. I couldn't just leave her stranded. So, I changed her tire and she insisted on buying me a meal for the trouble I caused her. I took her offer and she bought me an innocent meal.. That night is so blurry, I can barely remember what happened. Next thing I knew, It was morning and I woke up in her bed. I was traumatized... I had no idea how I ended up there but she was next to me. I left, so fast that I forgot my wallet at her apartment. That entire day I was in hiding. I couldn't believe that I would cheat on you like that, because I NEVER would. I tried to convince myself that entire day it wasn't what I thought. Later that day, she called me to tell me I left my wallet at her house. When I went to retrieve it, I had to ask. She assured me that nothing happened and that I passed out from dehydration at the restaurant. I was relieved to say the least. That night, I ran to your apartment and wouldn't leave you alone..Remember that?!..." he stopped for a moment. I couldn't nod or recall. I was too busy seeing red.

"...A month later, I woke up to you going in to the shower. You left my arm's and as I was about to get up to join you, my cell phone rang. I saw it was Gloria and thought it was work related. She wanted to see me, as soon as possible. I really thought It was about work, but when I got there..It was just her. She handed me a pregnancy result. It was positive " he stopped once again to try and catch his breath. My heart couldn't shatter anymore than it already was. I was numb, without any expression at all. He felt dead to me, so quickly and so painlessly. "Huh..well that's just fuckin' wonderful now is it..Congradufuckinlation's Arnoldo, way to go" I said cunningly. "...I thought nothing happened between us, but I was wrong. She lied because she didn't want to hurt my relationship with you. She assured me that I was the only one it could be. I couldn't tell you the truth. I couldn't bring myself to hurt you more than I was about to. I don't even know what I was thinking. I was so scared that I panicked. I knew that no matter what I said, we were over. I made the mistake of running away and leaving you without answers. But it didn't matter anyway because 2 month's later she had a miscarriage. I was waiting for the right moment to-" he suddenly stopped. He took a few second's to finally look me in the face. I hated him. I hated every single little fragment of his being. I couldn't find the remorse, the forgiveness, any of it. All the advice I was given by my therapist was vaporized. In that moment, every memory we shared, from the moment we met, evaporated in to dust. There was a slight evil grin on my face, as if I was happy. Happy in my own little world of chaos and rage. He looked frightened. In that moment, I think he knew that he broke me. He broke any living hope and love I had saved up for him one day. There was nothing left of it. Nothing. "Is that all?" I asked firmly. He just shook his head, knowing full well that if he spoke anymore nonsense that I would burn him alive. "Good, now get out" I demanded. "Helga, hold on just a second-" he tried to speak.

There was no way in hell I would let him. "Are you DEAF?!, LEAVE!" I shouted, pointing towards the front door. He took a deep breath, unclenching his fist. "This isn't over.." he whispered, jetting out the door. The look on his face kept flashing in my mind. For just a moment, I felt free of him. I was done blaming myself for 2 year's. I was done constantly wondering why it all happened. Even though it was a revelation for my conscience, It was bitter sweet at most. The numbing was starting to wear off. My eye's started to scan each part of the room. The projector in my mind turned itself on, playing back all the "happy times" tucked away inside it. I kept trying to replace each moment with anger and each moment with reality. That little girl inside me refused to let it die. I kept hearing her moronic poems to her beloved, her desperate way's to keep her love alive. The moment he felt the same and every moment since then. I wanted so badly to sit and stew in my new revelation, but it wasn't revelating at all. Arnold's force was hard to bury. How could he be so much stronger than my hate?. This should have been the final curtain, the end all, fin. But there was a glimmer of hope that hid itself behind the wall I built around Arnold. Poking its ugly face out to mock me. After everything I just heard,What the hell is wrong with me?!. Am I that bat shit crazy?!. Criminey, I AM a damn basket case. After a few moments of ping pong with myself, I stood up off my ass and dragged myself to the mirror. I needed a change, desperately. I needed something or someone to be that change. Even though my heart refused to keep Arnold away, I had to do everything I can to fight it. I had to take my pride back no matter what the cost.

My integrity to be someone else, someone who ISNT in love with Arnold. I needed that desperately now. I knew in that moment that my true revelation was about to reveal itself. Something sinister was brewing inside my soul. I grabbed my cell phone out of my back pocket and without hesitation, I called HIM. This wasn't about getting back at Arnold. It wasn't about missing Arnold and the memories we shared. I knew before he would quickly answer my phone call that I was treading into dangerous waters. I was ready. "Helga?" he was obviously surprised. I hadn't spoken to him in months. "I need you to come over." I said. I was stern and without a hiccup. Within 10 minutes time he was at my front door. I stood up, smirk on my face and my plan in place. I headed to the front door, swinging it open and dragging him in. He was taken back, gasping as I pulled him. I slammed the door shut behind him and pulled him up to meet eye to eye. He seemed intrigued and excited. "Listen here. You are nothing to me but an object I can use. You will report here when asked and you will do what I demand. Do you agree to these terms? if you don't, you can leave and I will give you that option now. You are free to go or you can stay" I threw him back against the door and walked off. I knew apart of me was trying to get the hang of something new but I wanted to understand Arnold in some way. I wanted to know what it was like to live a lie. Anything he could do I could do 10 times better. I also knew how dangerous these water's were to tread. He was after all, someone who had a big reputation. I knew this whole situation was completely cliche, but its the only way to bruise Arnold. It was going to work. I was confident in that and I am going to make sure the whole damn world knows about it.

He put his hand on my shoulder to signal his final decision. I turned to face him, almost disgusted at the smirk he had plastered on his face. I was an object too now, which wasn't anything new to me. "Im in. Just know, I plan on sneaking in here as much as I possibly can. You may want to come up with some kind of password..or, safe word" he said. "You dont need one" I said, as the side smile grew larger. "When do we start?" he asked. I took just a moment to think it over, but the band-aid had to rip. "Now." i said firmly. He nodded, picking me up by the waist and carrying me in to my bedroom. He threw me on top of my bed and quickly started to undress me. I turned my head sideways to stare at the pitch black wall in front of me. I agreed to this, it was my plan and I couldn't back down from it. I didn't wish for a moment that it could be any different. I let him do what he wanted and gave myself up to pride. I wanted to shut my eye's to shoo away the nightmare's but I couldn't. He squeezed my cheeks and pulled my head back to the center. "Tell me now if you want me to stop" he whispered. I shut my eye's again, tighter this time. "Dont stop" I tried to sneak out of my squeezed lips. He smiled wide and went in to kiss me. I immediately turned my head away out of habit. He aggressively turned me back to meet his eye's. "Playing hard to get I see, Its sexy" he said. I pushed his hand's away for just a moment. "Kissing isn't allowed. It's too personal, you know that.." I reminded him. "Fine, fine. Just sex, not a big deal" he agreed. He continued to kiss down my neck and kept making his way down. I had to admit, for just a moment, regardless of the circumstance, It was nice to feel someone's touch. This wasn't the first time I had him on speed dial. He was a regular a few month's after me and Arnold ended things. Even though he was much older, It was always intriguing. He was notorious for being a best kept secret.

I tossed my arm in front of my eye's and braced myself for what I knew was coming. He kissed my inner thighs, teasing is way where his end game was. My leg's were trembling from the pleasure, my fingers gripping to the bed sheets. I arched my back with each little tongue motion he tried. I wanted desperately for him to be better than Arnold at this, but sometimes a haunted flash back would snap in my brain. Arnold being so much better and so much more passionate. I shook them off as much as possible to keep my juices flowing. This was deja vu for me in the worst ways. The difference was, Arnold was back and I had bigger plans for him. This was just the first phase. I had to endure a few nights of secret pleasure with someone else in order to do it. I let out a moan too loud for me to handle. It bounced off the walls and back to my ear's. It was a sudden moment of disgust. I could hear him giggle when I did and it made it so much worse. He loved it that whatever he was doing to me was working. I forced myself to overlook the fact that I was being a complete moron and allowed myself to finish. After the damage that was done, he sat up to catch his breath. "Damn girl, you are hard to please" he said laughing a bit. I rested up on my elbow's to look at the poor sucker who was down there nearly over 10 minutes. "Yeah well, what the heck do you want from me? Brush up on your skills or something" i said. He laughed even louder. "You never change Helga...So..I assume something bad happened in order for you to call me over. It's been a while since you demanded my presence" he said. I couldn't tell him everything I had planned. Even though he knew his place in all this, It was still unnecessary to explain. "What, I can't feel good once in awhile?" I asked sarcastically. "Oh so I make you feel good do I"? he tried to match me. "Someone's gotta do it" I replied. He just kept laughing it off. "...I have a question though.." I immediately went to the next phase of my plan. "Yeah, what is it?" he asked.

"Do you want to be my date to Gerald's wedding?" I asked. His eyebrow immediately went up in question. "Helga, Gerald has no idea that we even know of each other. We agreed to keep that a secret when we first met at the bar..remember?" he said. I sat up, crossing my arms as if I was upset that he would fight me on it. "So what, it's not a big deal. Im barely even Gerald's friend anyway. Besides, did you even have a date lined up loser?" I asked. "As a matter of fact..no, no I dont. But that's beside the point.." he said. "Think about it and get back to me. Now get outta here, you over stayed your welcome" I pointed at the front door. "Fine. Im leaving. Let me know what you are in need of my services again. Next time, Im hoping you demand a little more from me" he said as he left my bedroom.

"Oh dont you worry, I have big plans for you Jam-" I stopped suddenly as he turned around to face me by the door way.

"Fine, Ill go with you to my brother's wedding but just know, someone may not like that" he said, reminding me of what I already know.

"Oh trust me, Im ready for it" I said with the biggest smirk plastered on my heartbroken, damaged and revengeful face.


	3. Ghost of you

**Chapter 3: Ghost of you**

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Tell me more about Jamie-o"

Dr. Bliss sat back and crossed her legs. I, embarrassed as hell, put my arm over my eyes to hide my shame. It was Tuesday after all and I inevitably ended up back in her office. I sunk back, keeping my eye's shut to review my previous encounters with Jamie. I never really did go in to detail about him to her. "It was a few month's after me and Arnold broke up. I did what every sucker would do after a long hiatus, as I called it. I went to grab a drink, innocently I thought. I just turned 21 and I thought, hey, its my birthday, why the hell am I sitting around at home drinking my own 12 pack of garbage in my fridge, and not with total strangers that may or may not take advantage of my vulnerability. Actually, it was more of just me being petty. I got all dolled up and took a cab downtown. I dont care for people, so I wasn't really sure where I was going. I rolled out of the cab in front of some rando bar that looked pretty dead. It was perfect for someone like me who just wanted to drink without the company. I strolled in, took a seat, immediately regretted the pre-game and slammed my head on the bar. I felt a shot glass hit my temple and without hesitation I took it, and drank it. It was this disgusting aged whiskey that was suppose to take all the cares away. Jamie was working the bar that night. I remember Gerald talking about his brother owning some bar downtown in passing but its a small world". I knew the continuation of this story would somehow discredit me, but nobody is perfect. She lifted her eye's over her clipboard as if she knew what was coming next. "How did it get to this point"? she asked. I sighed knowing how belittled id feel telling this story. I was always the strong one, Helga G. Pataki, impenetrable. "He was charming to say the least. He kept offering me free shots for more conversation. I knew the trick and the trade but I was too much of a moron to care. He asked me about my love life and how I ended up at the bar. A few shot's will get you to confess I guess" I stopped to remember.

"Helga, Its alright to feel ashamed or even guilty. We both know that heartbreak can lead to chaos. I wont judge you" she assured me. "I had every right to do what I did. Every God damn right to fuck around with someone else. Arnold didn't own me, not anymore. I dont feel guilty, in fact, I dont really care what anyone thinks" I wanted to make sure she knew that. "Then why is it so hard for you to tell me this?" she asked. I didn't bother to defend myself. Who as I trying to convince anyway?. "Jamie didn't judge me. He listened and for hours I vented. He knew about Arnold and I, how could he not?. There was something that he said that immediately got me to pick him as this object of affection. He looked at me, after telling him my story, after drinking him dry and running a ghost tab and he said "Helga. You are so fucking beautiful. Get up off your ass and get even"...yeah, It felt good to hear. The bar closed hours before this moment. He locked up, he cleaned but kept me there to listen. I didn't really understand my action's after that. It's all a blur. I felt bad though, because I knew I was lying. He knew I was lying but he didn't really care. I never expected Jamie to cross paths with me like this" I could feel the intense sexual frustration I had in that moment while explaining it. "Did his words alone get you to have this sexual relationship with him, or was it more"? she asked. I laughed aloud, because I wanted to say more but honestly it wasn't like that. "..Dont get me wrong doc. I made the first move at the bar. Im the one who jumped off the bar stool and pinned him to the ground. I wanted to be the bad guy so badly that I used Jamie and I still am. I want to feel guilty that I am, but the only guilt I feel is Arnold. It's so stupid, because it shouldn't even matter" I felt this overwhelming sadness suddenly.

"When did you and Jamie end before beginning again?" she asked. "..After a few month's of him coming over every so often, I started to feel sick. Not physically but emotionally. He just wasn't doing it for me anymore. How long can you lie to your own mind without breaking apart after awhile?. He came over one night randomly and after a uneventful night of the same old thing, I told him to leave and to call it square. He didn't ask questions, he didn't show emotions or anything. He nodded, left and that was that until now. It's been a really long time since I called him over and to my surprise he showed up. He didnt ask again, he knew his place. That's the thing with Jamie and I, we never did have a moment that was more than just sex. He like's being a pawn in my game I guess". She kept quiet and reevaluated the information. "Aren't you afraid that the same thing will happen, that you will have this contracted relationship with Jamie-o and eventually you will let him go?" she asked. "This time is different. Arnold wasn't in the picture back then. Jamie is more useful to me now than just sex. The price I have to pay in order to seek my revenge isn't all that bad. Meaningless sex is what temporarily cures a broken heart, so why not?" hearing myself say it out loud was a little frightening. It may not even work and for nothing would be unacceptable. "I have to say that revenge is never the answer. I understand why you want to seek it but Helga, you are going to break many heart's that may not be the one's you intended to break. I highly recommend you find another way to channel this aggression. As a medical professional and a friend, I promise you that this isnt the way" she said to try to sway me. I wanted to listen to her. I wanted to tell her she was right and that I was being stupid but I didn't. I waited for the clock to run out so I didn't have to rethink it. "Next week I hope to see you again with better new's. I have faith that you'll do the right thing Helga, whatever that may be".

Time ran out and so did my patience. "See ya later doc" I oddly saluted her and dashed out her office. Today was the day phase 2 would be set in motion. Phoebe wanted me to come over and try on some dress's she had in mind for me. I knew for a fact Arnold would be there because she may have mentioned it in passing. I called Jamie-O before my session to come pick me up in front of the office. Today was the day that everyone in that tiny little small world of ours would find out about Jamie and I. I sat on the bench almost excited for what was about to happen. I convinced Jamie-o that if he would go through with today, he would be rewarded. He pulled up in his red Chevelle and slowly descended his passenger side window. "Ready for me?" he asked following a wink. "Yeah yeah, dont get too excited Bucko" I slipped in the passenger side. He drove off, screeching his old tires down the highway. "So, you look fine today" he tried at a compliment. "Okay, you look, like, you today" I said, trying to avoid boosting his ego. "Harsh, I bet it's because I intimidate you. Im older and wiser and sexy as hell" he said. "Ha! you wish. We both know who run's the show here. So dont get any wise idea's taller hair boy" I said. He stopped at a red light and looked over at me. He laughed a bit but ended it with a smirk. "What can I say, I can't say no to you" he blushed. I looked back at him and for a moment I saw something different. It took a few seconds to shake it off but it was hard to read. My mind was scared in that moment, not because I could potentially fall for him, it was never that but maybe his eye's were a bit...never mind. We pulled up to their apartment and immediately my stomach dropped. I saw Arnold's car parked right beside us. Jamie followed behind me as I made my way to the front door. "So, how do you wanna do this, leave it to me or"? he asked. "Shut up and follow my lead. I got this so dont screw it up" I cleared my throat, ringing the doorbell. "Coming!" Phoebe shouted from inside.

She opened the door to see both of us to her surprise. "Oh, Hi Jamie, what bring's you here"? she asked slightly confused. "Never mind that, we're coming in" I shoved her aside and stormed in the apartment. "Uh- haha, long story" he said. "Uh- o okay" she said, letting us through. I could sense her eye's pinned on Jamie as he followed me in to the living room. I walked in to see Arnold sitting next to Gerald on the couch. There was no sight of Gloria which was perfectly fine with me. "Look what we have here, 2 nerds and measuring tape" I said making my entrance. Jamie popped up behind me. "What's up guys"? he said. "Yo, J what are you doing here"? Gerald stood up surprised to see him. Arnold looked over at me but immediately looked over at Jamie-o. Having someone else in the room give's him an excuse to alleviate his attention from me. "Uh well, funny you should ask" Jamie started to talk but I quickly intervened. "Sit down" I mumbled dragging him down to the couch with me. Arnold watched Jamie like a hawk. He looked annoyed without even knowing what was going on. "So.. you guys like run in to each other at the bar or something" Gerald laughed. " Ha. Funny" Jamie couldn't keep his poker face. "Okay here's the deal. Me and Jamie are attending the wedding together. We decided to be each others dates" I didn't wait, I had to strike. Arnold quickly moved his eye's to me, squinting them in curiosity. "How did THAT happen"? Arnold asked. "None of you're damn business football head" I chimed in. "Hold on a minute. You two, dates to the wedding? Is this some kind of joke?" Gerald asked. "Uh haha..right..yea.." Jamie was breaking. "As a matter of fact, no. It's not. Your bother and I have been messing around for awhile now" I slapped an ugly smirk on my face. I was pleased at everyone's reaction. My eye's shifted to Arnold as I spoke the words "messing around".

He seemed so confused. His eye's had nowhere to go but towards me. "Messing around, like, what are you talking about?" Gerald continued to pester us. "Are you deaf Geraldo, me. and. your. brother. have. been. sleeping. together. for. a while. now. Get it?!" with each slam of my words, Arnold was psychically being punched in his face. I could see his breath deepening and his annoyance turning to anger. "Well, I wouldn't say for awhile, more like, on and off for a year or two..that doesn't help" Jamie-o said trying to dampen the situation. "Anyway, so since that started back up, we decided to take it a bit further and date. For the wedding, for whenever, but dating. Yup. Daattiinngg" I said looking straight at Arnold without giving a crap about it. "Will you excuse me for a minute" Arnold whispered dashing in to the kitchen. "Whoa. Really, Helga and Jamie-o? uh, just whatever" Gerald sat back trying to process it all. "Phew, Im parched. Im heading to the kitchen for a drink. Want anything?" I said innocently asking Jamie. He looked up at me just as confused as the rest. "Uh-nah im alright". "Suit yourself" I headed towards the kitchen. Right before I could enter Phoebe magically appeared in front of me. "Can we talk"? she asked. She seemed super annoyed at me but im sort of used to that. "Sure" I shrugged following her in to the hall way. "Seriously Helga, JAMIE-O?! This is a new low for you" she said pacing back and forth. "I dont know what you're talking about" I crossed my arms watching her tiny body pace. "When did this happen, and why didn't tell me!? no, I know why you are doing this but my brother n law?! This is crazy!" she shouted. "Quiet down, I'll tell you everything sheesh. It happened forever ago and I was sad and I ended up at his bar and yada yada blah blah we ended up fuck buddies" I shrugged again, trying to make a joke out of it. "That's- thats..ugh..okay. Listen, you promised NO drama at my wedding. Promise me this isn't going to cause any. Please!?".

For a moment I felt bad for what I was doing. I wanted to make sure to not drag her and Gerald in to this, so I had to keep them as far away from it as possible. "You have my word. Just a wedding date and nothing else to talk about. I promise" I placed my hand on her shoulder, calming her down a bit. "Fine. I need some air" she turned away and headed out the door. "Sorry Phoebe, but I may have to break that promise" I whispered to myself. I entered the kitchen to see Arnold leaning over the sink. I can only guess he was splashing water on his face or throwing up from the sheer fact of me and Jamie. OH how I would love that. I walked over to the fridge to grab any drink I could. "Hmm, what would he like, what would he like" I whispered to myself, loud enough for him to hear. "Jamie huh?" he whispered. He didn't turn around, he kept his hands on the counter and his head leaning near the sink. "Yeah, so what, got a problem with that Arnoldo?, it isnt your business" I reminded him of his place. "...You're right. It isnt...It's because of what I did isn't it?" he asked. "Pfft, please. Dont be so vain. I started sleeping with him WAY before I found out you knocked someone up. So dont flatter yourself" I felt anger more at myself than him. "Was it after we broke up"? he needed to know. "Yeah. because unlike you, I wouldn't ever cheat on you. Ever" my reign of terror suddenly perished and turned into something else. He kept still, laughing to himself a little. "If only you let me finish, but you always have the last word dont you?" Arnold slowly turned to face me. His face was red and damp. Was this the face I was waiting to see?. Why does it feel so painful to look at?. He walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Answer me one question, did you sleep with him the same night I told you I still loved you?" he asked as if it mattered. I looked away and for a moment, felt like the bad guy. "Yeah. I called him instead of you" I said as harshly as I could.

He took a step back and shook his head in disbelief. "I created a monster" he said softly. That angered me. Him taking all the credit for my action's. Him making himself out to be the victim and the villain all at once. Who the hell does he think he is?!. "Monster?!" I shouted. "Yeah, me. Im the monster" he said in defeat. I was confused, because for just a second I felt sad for him. There was this desperate feeling of wanting to save him from himself but I knew I couldn't. He made his bed, he dug his grave and in the process, he buried me alive. "I cant let you go back out there and get him a drink, or sit next him or go back home with him and-" he couldn't continue. Although my heart was fluttering, I had to ignore it. "If you wont than I wont-" my word vomit was unstoppable. I didn't mean to say that. He walked back over to me and got dangerously close. He slowly placed his hand on my wrist and held it. "Let's get out of here.." he whispered. For a moment I completely forgot everything. Everything he did, everything im doing and it all vanished. I wasn't sure where he wanted to go but I was willing to follow. He was instantly squashing my revenge plan like I never had one. "I uh-" I could barely say a thing. His green eye's were hard to look away from. His lips felt like magnets that I could hardly keep myself from connecting to. They got closer and closer, close enough to feel his breath brushing on my lips. I felt my lungs collapse with each breath I couldn't catch. Suddenly, a sense of reality washed over my clouded mind. Her ringtone went off in his pocket. He didn't go for it, but it was enough for me to snap out of it. I pushed him back and without saying a thing, I ran back to the living room. "We have to go" I grabbed on to Jamie's wrist and dragged him out. I ran into Phoebe as we headed downstairs to his car. "What about the fitting?!" she shouted. "I'll come back tomorrow!" I tried to apologize the best I could. "Where are we going?!" Jamie asked. "Anywhere, just drive" I pulled the seat belt over me.

Jamie-o drove off without any destination. After a few minutes he decided to speak. "So, im guessing you couldn't go through with it after all huh?" he asked. I kept my head out the passenger window, trying to breathe. "Can we go to your place"? I asked. I knew that the only way to get out of this state of mind was to push it on someone else. "Sure.." he didn't bother to pester me any longer. We drove in silence until we got there. I dragged him inside his own apartment and quickly made my move. I jumped on him, wrapping my legs around him. "Whoa, Helga hold on-" he tried to speak but I ended up breaking my own rule. I kissed him so that he couldn't talk me out of it. He pulled my head back in for another kiss but I quickly redirected it to my neck. He didn't seem to mind after that, considering all we did. His apartment was dark and messy. He had random clothes everywhere and empty Chinese food containers spread out like decor. I could barely see his face, which made everything seem bearable. He threw me on his bed and stripped me clean. He went in without any foreplay. There was no need, I was already on a rampage to forget. With each grunt and moan he reminded me on why I was there. Asking me if I wanted to fuck and forget and if this was enough. I would reply in a loud and unflattering yes. After it all ended and I decided to leave on my own free will, I realized that I was wrong. Jamie-O wasnt straying from the path we set, he was in fact proving to me that I was just as much of an object as he was. He didn't ask me to stay or any questions pertaining to why we left. A dont ask, dont tell contract. I slipped my shoes on and called for a cab. I wanted to say I felt better after that, but I felt conflicted. I brushed off my shame with a good swig of whiskey and headed back to my apartment.

I opened the door to my darkened living room and threw my bag on the counter. I opened the fridge hoping to find something to keep my buzz going but had no luck. "You just slept with him didn't you?" a voice echoed in my living room. I slammed in to my fridge door startled. I looked over to my couch and saw a silhouette sitting there a lone. "Arnold?" I whispered. "I've been sitting here for a few hour's now, knowing that you may never come back" he said. I walked over to him and sat beside him. I was shocked that he was there and completely forget he still had a key. "What are you doing here"? I asked. I was annoyed at him because I just left to forget and here he was, reminding me again. "Is he better in bed than me, tell me the truth?" he asked. I took a deep breath knowing that I had two choices. Lie, or tell the truth and risk being hurt. That wasn't part of my plan. "Its about the same" I decided to be neutral. "Hmph" he sat back. "...You should probably leave. Dont want to worry the girlfriend" I wanted him to stay but I had to get him to leave. "Never mind that" he sat forward again. "I dont know what you want from me Arnold, Im trying here. Im trying to move on and do what you do. So back off" I said, partially meaning it. "Back off?..I cant back off Helga. I just cant okay?" he held his head in his hands. I knew that anymore time here would be dangerous. It wasn't how I wanted this to go. He needed more hurt, more pain more something!. "There's so much more to say-" he spoke but I couldn't hear anymore. I placed my finger on his lips to quiet him. "Enough Arnold. That's enough" I said lightly. Suddenly, without rhyme or reason, I found myself gravitating to him. I couldn't fight it or stop it. My heart moved my body and I was just a vessel. I placing my hands on his face and pulled him to me. He followed me down as I laid back on the couch. "Helga.." he whispered as he hovered over me. My heart couldn't take it, I had to kiss him, I had to. It was wrong if I didn't.

He pressed his lips on mine and it was sudden shock of difference. This was love. I kissed him so deeply that I was on the verge of passing out. I was completely overwhelmed with the feeling of fate. I wrapped my arms around his neck and ran my fingers through his flaxen colored hair. He pulled back to look in to my eye's. He was radiant with happiness. That same glow he had for 10 years before we fell out. He smiled and my heart fell in to a flat line. I didn't mind being so vulnerable for even a second. I wanted to keep the world as still as possible. I shut my eye's for a second to catch myself before I fell even further. Slowly, I fell and fell. I was fading slowly and I couldn't keep myself awake. "I love you" I heard him whisper in my deep dark abyss. I opened my eye's to nothing. I was in my bed, by myself, wearing the same clothes I was wearing at Jamie's. I stood up and looked around. Arnold was gone. My hand's didn't even smell like his shampoo. I was brokenhearted all over again. Was he even here? Did I have a little bit too much of a swig?. Heck, my shoe's were still on. Maybe I dreamt it, but it felt so real. I felt the tear's building and breaking on the already cracked dam. I let them fall because I haven't in so long. What was I even thinking?. Arnold made his choice before and why would that ever change?. I sat alone in the dark again, and no amount of revenge and fake feeling's could ever fix it. I called Jamie to make sure that my life was even real, and he assured me that the event's with him happened. I walked around my apartment looking for any clues that any of that happened with Arnold. I kept trying to tell myself that it was all just a dream and nothings changed. The plan is still on and nothing was going to get in my way of that. I was sick to my stomach thinking one potentially real event would change that. Arnold hurt me, and there is no reason to forgive him. I went back in to my room after hour's of searching for a ghost and went to bed. I just wanted this day to be over.

(In the perspective of Arnold)

"They ran out of milk" I said. Gloria was pacing the kitchen. She was frantic even though I reassured her that the time I spent out was at Gerald's. "Let's hope so Arnold, lets hope so" she said in her condescending usual way. I threw my car key's on the kitchen table and headed to the bedroom. I laid down on my bed and continued to day dream my life away. All I could think about was Helga. Her eye's, her lips and how she smell's like cherry blossom body spray. Her laugh and even the way she pushed me around. I didn't care what version of Helga I could have, I just wanted her. What was stopping me from ending all this?. My ties to Gloria were of pure guilt. She always reminds me on how much I've messed up her life with my mistakes and how Helga would never love me the same again. She isnt very nice to me. I'd take football head any day of the week. Lying to Gloria was easier than I wanted it to be. Getting milk, seeing Gerald, any excuse but the truth. This isnt me at all. I dont sneak out and do rash things because I can't contain my feelings. Helga has this spell on me that I would die without. Every single moment without her is draining my life away. Now her and Jamie-O. I dont care what she say's, im better than him. I know Helga's body inside and out. I doubt he ever will connect with her on a emotional level. I never hated anyone aside myself before. Today, that all changed. I shut my eye's in the hopes to dream of her. Every single night for 2 year's I've been dreaming of her. I know she deserves better than me. Im such a coward. Im afraid of hurting someone I dont even love and continue to hurt someone I do. I deserve to hurt like she does. The same thoughts run through my head on a daily basis. The problem is I used to be able to fight them, but the more I see her, the more I forget my place and the more selfish I become.

"Oh Arnold, what am I going to do without you?" Gloria snuggled next to me. I internally rolled my eye's. I felt a slight cringe every time she touched me. Is it wrong to wish that she was someone else?. I lived this lie for way too long. Tonight was the night that I needed to end it. "So I heard Jamie-O and Helga are a thing now. Good for them. She deserves it considering the shit you put her through" she was always perfect on timing. I was facing away from her, keeping my eye's closed hoping she would disappear. "Well, what are your thoughts on the matter Arnold? Jealous?" she continued to pester me. "Im going to bed" I tossed the cover's over my head. "Of course you're jealous! the love of your life has finally found someone else and to think they went as far as sleeping together. That MUST boil your blood" she was doing it again. Intentionally trying to hurt me. Her fake chuckle was a bitter pill to swallow. "My poor Arnold. You know that Im all you ever need. One day you'll finally realize it. Whatever it takes, ill make sure you start believing me" she reached over to pet my head like a dog. "Gloria, I have a question. Please dont get upset if I ask you" I knew tonight was the night to try again. I stood up and grabbed her hands in mine. I knew that in order for her to accept my question, I had to play it up. "We're you actually pregnant and did you and I ever really sleep together?". This wasn't the first time I had asked her. Each time I would get the same answer and she would threaten her own life if I thought otherwise. "I told you Arnold..I told you many many times. You are not the saint you think you are. You took advantage of me and knocked me up. The only reason Im still with you is because no one else will love you after what you did. I am the only one. I am the one" she didn't blow up this time, but she felt robotic. Im sure she was sick of me asking the same questions but I felt like one day she would change her answer. Maybe I just had to accept that I would do such a thing.

"Okay. Sorry that I asked. Please, let's get some rest" I kissed her hand to calm her down. She smiled and turned over to sleep. I hit the pillow again, still convinced that this wasn't enough. I kept my eye's on the ceiling, thinking and thinking. I never actually went out of my way to find some evidence. I just cant seem to remember anything from that night, nothing. I had to figure it out before I lost Helga to someone else. I always thought I had time to find a way out but now that time is running out, im desperate. Even if I find out that I am this monster, at least the blame was rightfully placed. I had this feeling I couldn't shake. For 2 year's now I've been putting it off as guilt. If only Helga knew that in 2 year's of being with Gloria, I never once slept with her. I never put my hands on her and my kisses were just pecks. I never got the chance to tell her because I always wait till the last minute. I had her in my arms, I had her lips on mine and I told her that I loved her. I kept tossing and turning as I always do. Kept thinking and thinking as I always do. Tonight should have been the night to end it all. To stay and tell her everything that I failed to mention. But Jamie-O...What he said to me, I can never forget. The sound of his voice was blaring in my head. "Helga and I are together, so I suggest you hand over your spare key and never come back here" over and over again. I should have told him that I would fight for her. I didn't have a damn excuse or defense. Im such a coward. Such a damn coward. I was fading to sleep, seeing Helga's face in my mind. That smile she had on when we kissed. Tonight should have been the night that I told her that I've been waiting for her for 2 years...

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Hey Helga, wake up" I jumped out of bed to Jamie sitting at the edge of it. "What the hell are you doing here?!" I asked startled as heck. I didn't expect to see him there, considering I left his place last night. "I was in the neighborhood and got some breakfast. I figured I wore you out last night and you needed some food" he handed me a cup of coffee. "Thanks.." I sipped away, sitting up on my bed post. "Alright well I overstayed my welcome" he stood up and started to walk away. "Wait!" I shouted. He turned around slowly to face me. "Yessss?" he was trying to be cute. "Uh- Thanks again. You're a real life saver. I was starving" I smirked just a tiny bit. "No problem" he saluted me and left my apartment. Something was strange about that entire encounter, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I got up and headed towards the kitchen to heat up this breakfast burrito. He meant well, but he obviously came here last minute. A cold burrito say's it all. I put the sucker in the microwave and let it sizzle. I leaned on my counter and waited. I felt a something sharp under my elbow and quickly removed it.

"A key"? I said out loud, examining it.

Wait a minute, that's not my key. Its Arnold's...

He was here last night. I knew it. But why would he leave his key?

I knew right there and then that something was definitely not right.


	4. Set fire to the rain

**Chapter 4: Set fire to the rain**

(In the perspective of Helga)

"Its bitter sweet. Leaving his key would mean he was done with me but on the other hand, just a minute before, he was telling me he loved me. I just dont get it" I sat down by the windowsill. Dr. Bliss stood up and sat beside me. She felt like more of a friend to me than a therapist. Today she barely even touched her fancy clip board. I guess my melancholy attitude surprised her. "Helga, I truly believe that you have a few facts wrong. You really need to stop running away from him. Sitting him down and breaking a part all the questions you have is essential to a potential future for you two. I promise, you may find out a few details that could really sway this a different way. A good way" she said. I fought a few seconds of vertigo to look down towards the busy street. I always end up scanning heads to magically find Arnold's. Call it habit or obsession. Old habits do die hard. "One day i'll take your advice doc, sooner or later" I said smiling at her. "Hopefully soon Helga" she smirked back. The session ended and I decided to skip public transportation for the day. I found myself aimlessly roaming the streets of Hillwood. I was drifting through the crowded rush hour neighborhood, hoping I would end up somewhere fated. My phone was vibrating in my pocket but I was too freaked out to see who It was. I ended up walking towards the boarding house like a moth to a flame. Arnold didn't live there anymore, but It didn't matter. I climbed up the fire escape and in to his bed room. Everything was still exactly the same. I felt drunk because I couldn't understand how I even got there. Everything felt so blurry but I couldn't blame my heart for gravitating here. I sat on his bed and looked around the room. I was trying to find anything misplaced or missing to at least feel like time's have changed. It was hard to be here and accept how life was. Was this even real?. I kept thinking it was all just a bad dream I would wake up from.

I walked over to his computer desk and sat in his chair, looking up towards his pin board full of pictures. His journey to find his parents, a few photo's of his grandparents and in the mist of it all, me. I un-clipped my photo to take a closer look. It was a candid shot that I didn't even know existed. It was heart breaking to even fathom. The smile on my face in this photo was haunting. I looked so happy that It was hard to identify the moment it was taken. I wanted to keep it, but taking it out of its place would mean that the room would change, just like everything else. I walked back over to his bed and stuffed my face in his pillow. How can something not lose its sense of history?. The smell that can only Identify with him was barely faded. This room was full of so many memories that I never wanted to leave. I could die here and not even care. I looked over at his bedroom door and waited for him. Old habits die hard, right Helga?. I got comfortable and watched the sunset from the sky light. I counted each star pop up one by one. The city lights made it almost impossible to shine too many. I shut my eye's and drifted off in to a memory educed day dream. Smelling the air in his room, the shampoo on the pillow and the dust on his CD player will do that. As time went on, I completely forgot my whereabouts. I heard a few ruffling noises on the roof but dismissed it for pigeons. Suddenly there was a sound I haven't heard in a very long time. The sound of Arnold's harmonica was faded in the distance. It was muffled from the glass windows but clearly not just in my head. My eye's opened wide as I quickly took to the skies to see where it was coming from. I crawled up the side to open the glass window but before I even got the chance to open it all the way, I saw him.

His silhouette was painted by moonlight as he sat near the edge of the roof. He was facing away from me which made it easier to hide from him. I was debating on if I should even make my presence known or.. honestly, I just wanted to watch him. It was hard enough to believe he was actually there, but to approach him was even harder to imagine. I felt like this was still a dream to me. I was a kid again and doing what I did best, loving him from afar. After a few songs I decided that I had to think of a way to escape. I quietly shut the window and slowly made my way back down in to his room. I waited it out a bit, hoping that he would make his way out. I sat in his darkened closet, watching threw the tiny crack I left in the doorway. I held his old shirt up to my face to keep his scent in my memory. I was used to sitting in his closet for long periods of time. In fact, It felt like a second home to me. Eventually it got quiet. I saw him slowly pitter patter down in to his room. His shadow swept the room like a ghost. I was terrified of being found like this. I couldn't really tell where he was, I just waited for the door to slam as my que to leave. His soft footsteps made a sudden halt, right next to his pin board. I could at least see that much through the crack. The back of his head tilted just slightly. It seemed as if he knew something was out of place. I kept my lips shut, barely breathing and sunken in the dark. "Arnold! come downstairs" I heard the saving grace of his mother shouting to him. "Coming!" he answered. Thankfully he disregarded whatever he thought he saw and left his room. I quickly slipped out, his shirt still in hand, up to the roof, down the fire escape and back down to the street.

Even though the moment fled faster than I could fathom, It was peaceful. I felt like myself again. I think I needed a bit of nostalgia to ease the heart. The battery of my soul was recharged. I ended up walking to my old house to cap the night with even more nostalgia. I think this melancholy mindset was misleading. For just tonight, I wanted to feel something other than rage. My parents were surprised to see me considering I never visit. That house had memories all of its own to keep me out of it. "Helga!" my mom grabbed me. "Enough Miriam" I said pushing her off. "It's so good to see you, what are you doing here?" she just had to ask. "I uh- wanted to check out my old room. I think I left something in there that I wanna take back to my apartment" I had to think of something quick. "Oh- okay dear. Yeah, the room is just the way you left it. Oh but dear-" I ran up the steps as fast as I could to avoid anymore conversation with her. Her annoying habits of asking me irrelevant questions had to be avoided. I opened the door to my old room and immediately hesitated to walk in. I felt this overwhelming to keep out suddenly stop the beating of my heart. I knew coming back here was a bad idea, but I knew facing my fears was something Dr. Bliss mentioned so many times before. I decided to ignore the feeling and shook off the constant memories playing in my mind. One foot in front of the other, step by step I got to my bed. I sat down slowly, setting down Arnold's shirt beside me. I could sit here and tell stories for days but I had to keep those buried. No amount of nostalgia would change or forgive the present. I hit my head on the pillow and instantly heard something crinkle. I reached in and pulled out an envelope.

"What the.." I tore it open like a birthday present. Before I could read it, my mom slowly opened my door. "Honey, are you okay?" she asked. "Im fine Miriam" I tried to shoo her away. She walked in and immediately sighed. "I tried to tell you dear, Arnold left you a letter. It was right after you guy's broke up. I found it a couple of months ago and I wanted to warn you before you got to it.." she said. "I just found it.." I crinkled it more in my hands. "Im sorry Helga, I know how far you've come and I just didn't want you to revert to anything that may hurt you again, thats all.." she sat at the edge of my bed. "...Thanks mom, but I got this.." I said. She reached over and put her hand on mine. "Ill be downstairs if you need me" she smiled softly and headed out the door. Her reaction scared me a little. I wasn't sure if she read it or she just assumed that the contents in this letter was enough for me to downward spiral. I decreased the letter and braced myself for whatever it is he wrote. I figured, how much further down can I possibly get at this point?.

 _"Dear Helga,_

 _I hope that sooner or later you'll find this letter. I wish I could just do this in person but seeing how much I hurt you would make it so much worse. Im trying to understand all of this. No amount of apologies will get you back to me, but its a start. Im so incredibly sorry. I was a coward to not tell you everything that I wanted to, but sometimes leaving the details out helps you to remember me as I was. If you knew the truth, you'd hate me even more than you already do, and I just cant live with that yet. Someday soon I promise It'll all make sense. I can't ask you to wait for that, its too selfish of me to. If anything, I want you to move forward and forget me. I dont deserve you. If one day I do end up telling you everything, I hope that you can instantly forget because how could you ever forgive me after that? Everything we had would crash and burn and that's something im trying to prevent. I still love you so much. One day I promise i'll find a way to prove that all of this was just a bad nightmare for us_

 _but if by chance it all turns out the same...Let me go and for good. No matter what, dont look back._

 _I love you and i'll live in misery until its all over._

 _Arnold"_

I crumbled the note in to a tight paper ball and tossed it over my shoulder. My nostalgia turned right back in to anger. I didn't know I had any more tear's left in me. They flooded me instantaneously. I couldn't pretend to keep them back. I let them fall and got it out of my system. I was angry at myself for even getting to this point. He left a note like a text message break up. He should have just sent an email if he wanted to continue to be such a coward. His poetic justice was barely even poetic. I walked over to my closet and to no surprise found a box labeled "Trash" stashed in the back of the closet. I opened it up to find all my old Arnold "trash" piled high. I wiped my tear's away and made the conscience decision to stop being so emotionally challenged. I grabbed the box, fully in tact and headed out the front door. I walked a few blocks towards the boarding house. I kept my head high and without any hesitations. I grabbed one of the garbage cans from the side of the house and planted it out front. I grabbed my phone from my back pocket, after hour's of ignoring phone calls, and called Arnold. He answered quickly as if I was a drug dealer he was hiding. "Helga?" he whispered. "That's right, its me, Helga G. Pataki. I demand you step outside the boarding house and watch the show im about to put on. I promise you, it's one you'll never forget" I hung up without giving him a chance to respond. After a few seconds he dashed out of the boarding house. He had this look on his face that I can only describe as excited yet, terrified. "Helga, what are you doing here?!" he asked surprised. "Dont come any closer" I put my hand out to stop him. He halted at the bottom of the steps. He looked down at the box and the trash can beside me. "W-what are you doing Helga..?" he asked. "Something I should have done a long time ago.." I said.

One by one I tossed each item in the trash.

The book of poems I wrote.

 _"This is for all those year's I spent chasing you like a fool"_

The items that reminded me of his stupid foot ball shaped head.

 _"And for all those year's I spent loving you more than you could love me"_

The pictures we took together after we started dating.

 _"And for hurting me without even having the nerve to say the truth to my face"_

Finally, the sad excuse for an apology note he left.

 _"And last but not least, for being the biggest coward in the world and leaving a note under my pillow"_

I pulled out a box of matches from my pocket and lit one up. "Wait Helga, please dont do this..dont-" he put his hand out to stop me but it was too late. I tossed the lit match in to the garbage can and let it burn. The flames felt like the poetic justice I was dying to achieve. This felt better than any revenge plan I could conjure up. I saw Arnold's brokenhearted face through the cracks of the fire. The face I was waiting to see all this time. I was officially done with him. I wasn't holding on to anymore nostalgia. I didn't need it anymore. "What the hell is all this..?" Gloria popped up behind Arnold. I stepped aside to reveal myself to her. "Oh my God, Seriously, Helga. How did you even know we were here"?. There she was, miss's perfection. Gloria's smug face looked almost pleased to see how pathetic I was. "None of your damn business" I mumbled. "This is truly pathetic. You called Arnold out here to burn his stuff?!" she clapped slowly. "IM pathetic and obsessive?, you have no idea" I said angrily. "Uh, huh, sure" she crossed her arms, tapping her feet like some God damn spoiled brat. "The only reason I even went up in to your room was to find that damn... " I wasn't suppose to say that. "The locket"? Arnold asked. "That's right and you kept it didn't you"? I asked. I knew from the start that this wouldn't be complete without it. "I feel bad for you honestly. Sneaking into his room like some stalker. Probably sniffed his pillow or something insane like that. Pathetic" she said so confidently. I knew she had to have known that she was only saying what would make her feel better. It took everything in my body to not deck her teeth out.

"Okay Gloria, whatever helps you to sleep at night" I tried to be passive aggressive but just her presence made it impossible to be. I decided to walk away in hopes of avoiding something major but I was done. I was done turning my back and letting her have this. I didn't care anymore. I wanted to destroy them. "No, you know what. It's funny you mention that because I recall Arnold sneaking into MY apartment with the key he kept and telling ME he still loved me. Remember that Arnold, or was that just a dream"? I asked. "Now wait a minute Helga.." he tried to speak. "What are you talking about.."? her voice quickly sounded unsure. "Yeah thats right, even though he left his key afterwards which was proof enough he was there, he kissed me and told me he still loved me. So you can tell yourself anything you want, but the truth is the truth. Im not the pathetic obsessed one, he is" I pointed towards him. He was silent and with his head towards the ground. This wasn't part of my plan but It quickly became the center of it all. Gloria clenched her fist but quickly released it. "The good new's is he left his key, meaning, he chose me" she tried so hard to make sure she won somehow. "Wait..hold on" Arnold kept on trying to chime in. "You're right Gloria, and that's another reason why I came here. To grab whatever was left of me in his room so that I could burn it all" even though that was a lie. "Well, I hope you found what you were looking for. The show is over, now go." she said angrily. I left the fire burning for Arnold to watch and started walking away. "Wait, Helga hold on!" I heard him creeping up behind me. "Seriously Arnoldo, save it for the funny papers" I kept my back facing him.

"I never left my key. That's not what happened. I was there, you're right. I was there and I meant every word I said to you. But I didn't leave my key, Jamie-O.." hearing Jamie's name triggered me instantly. "Dont you dare even blame him for anything. He's been there for me when you kept ghosting me. What the hell is wrong with you Arnold? What is that she has on you that you refuse to surrender? I cant keep trying to figure it out". "No see, you dont understand, he.." he tried to justify himself but I couldn't let him. My stubbornness to be the victim was way too strong. "I dont care. Leave me alone Arnold. Im sick of you invading my dreams and my actions. You can't just rewrite the stars and fix everything. I cant forgive you. I wont forget it, and unless you magically figure out a way to justify yourself from the start, there will NEVER be a chance for us. Loving you has been a waste of my entire existence. You are not a good guy Arnold". Everything came out like word vomit. I truly was done with Arnold. I didn't give him a chance to respond. I continued to walk forward and do as he asked of me in the letter. To not look back. I made it across the street to the flower shop and sat down on the bench beside it. I could see Arnold from where I was. He kept his eye's on me through the flames. He knew following me would have been a big mistake. I reached for my phone after and called Jamie-O. "You're alive, thats good" he said. "Im by the flower shop, can you come get me"? I asked. "Sure." he hung up. I smelled of ash and paper. There was this painful smile on my face that was hard to keep down. Jamie-O pulled up after a few minutes. The long death stare contest was over. I jumped in his car and pointed forward. He knew what that meant by now. Destination unknown.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "Keep driving.." I demanded. "It smells like you just left a house fire.." he said. "Meh, something like that.." my voice was scratchy from my previous shouting. We pulled up in front of his bar. "I was working when you called. I apologize if this isn't what you imagined" he said. "Its cool, a drink is a drink no matter where I get it" I shrugged. I spent most of the night sipping at few whiskey sour's. I had a lot on my mind and the last thing I wanted was to get drunk. I already did something outrages today, didn't want to top that. I watched Jamie-O work the room from the last stool at the bar. He had this infectious smile that got him really good tips. He knew how to sweet talk anyone, but he had his dorky moments. I admired how care free he was, which is why I always wanted to be around him. He illuminates a sense of no pressure that I could appreciate. Watching him kept my mind off of the fire that continued to burn in my mind. After closing time we headed back to his apartment. I wasn't really in the mood for the usual. I kind of just wanted to talk to someone unrelated. I needed a shoulder tonight more than anything. He cracked open a few beer's and lounged on the couch. "Wanna talk about it"? he seemed persistently casual. I chugged a bit before entering the forbidden zone. "Yeah. Why the heck not. I might as well". I didn't want to seem too desperate for his ear's. "Well, what happened?" he asked. I explained the night's events in full detail. "Wow, that's pretty damn intense...But I have to say, it made me sort of happy" he said. "What part"? I asked. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but his face seemed surprisingly satisfied. "The part where you said you were done with Arnold, that part.." he kept his eye's down at his beer. The smile grew a little wider, following a blush. I felt conflicted. My head and heart were no longer speaking to each other and I wasn't sure who was in control anymore.

"Hey Jamie..?" I said softly. "Yeah.."? he looked over at me. "Let's date". I wasn't even sure if I meant that at all, but it came out. He chuckled a bit like it was some sort of joke. "Arent we "dating" already"? he jokingly shoved me. "No, not as a joke. For real. Fuck it. We got nothing to lose. Lets just do it" I said. His eyebrow's raised slightly shock. "Uh- you think that's a good idea, I dont know Helga, Maybe you're just asking off of emotions.." I knew what he was doing. He wanted to be careful but I could care less about that. I stood up, setting my beer on the coffee table and walked over to him. "Wh-what are you doing.."? he seemed nervous. I straddled him and started kissing his neck. "Wait- Helga, hold on" he pulled me away for a moment. I was dead serious, staring at him with the same fire I had from earlier tonight. "Okay..okay..Fuck it. Lets do this" he surrendered. I smiled and dug my head back to his neck. He slowly trickled his finger tips up my back and unhooked my bra. Even though I had the intention of keeping my clothes on tonight, I initiated it and had to follow through. I turned myself on with insanity. I had no reservations tonight. We had no safe words. I let out every single ounce of burning passion out on him and he allowed it. I didn't love him and I wasn't even sure if I wanted him more than this, but I had nothing left to lose. Nothing. The night was unholy. I admit, it was a bit hazy. The whiskey sour's were enough to keep the details safe in my mind. My revenge plan was no longer about revenge. I wanted so badly to move on and Jamie-O was the only human being I could give a little bit of myself to. Who needed emotion's and love anyway? I told myself, I would never love again. This was the next best thing.

The next morning was awkward. Him and I spending a full night together was something we hadn't done yet. Usually one of us leaves before the other wakes up.I turned over and he was sound asleep. He wasn't Arnold, but he wasn't too horrible in his place. He looked peaceful. I quietly crawled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I decided to do something nice for all the shit he put's up with. I grabbed what little food he had and started breakfast. Eventually he got up and met me in the kitchen. He grabbed me from behind and rested his head on my shoulder. "Oh, What's this for?" he asked. My skin was crawling but I had to deal with it. "Uh- its for working super hard last night, I figured you needed some subsistence.." I some what quoted him. "Ha! clever. It smells great" He lightly tapped my behind and walked off. "Well, dont get used to it bucko" I lifted my fist to him. "Yeah yeah, or you'll pound me or whatever" he said sarcastically. My phone started ringing in the other room. "I got it! continue being the perfect girlfriend" he said, rushing in to the bedroom. I shrugged it off knowing that the only person who would call me is Phoebe. After a few minutes of silence I got a bit curious. I left the bacon sizzling and crept up to the bedroom door. I put my ear on the door to listen in.

"Like she would believe you anyway.." he whispered angrily.

Who the hell is he talking to on MY phone?!.

"Right, yeah yeah. Listen Arnold, save your sob story for someone who gives a shit. Dont you call here again. I dont need you ruining shit for me and G-..Right okay, The boy who cried wolf is exactly who you are. Nobody is gonna believe you now. Peace out football head" he hung up. "Fucker.." he whispered even angrier.

I backed up slowly from the bedroom door. Arnold called me to tell me something important and I let it slip through my fingers. I know I said I was done with him for good but- who the hell is Jamie-O talking about?

Last time I checked, my name didn't start with a G..


	5. This photograph is proof

**Chapter 5: This photograph is proof**

(In the perspective of Helga)

 _Writers note: (Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been in the process of moving and now im settled in. Hope you enjoyed the story so far and expect new chapters. Enjoy)_

The smell of burning bacon devoured the room from my negligence. Jamie dashed out of the bedroom in hopes to be a hero. "What the hell!" he shouted, throwing the pan in the sink. I stood still, bugged eyed and curious. I had to be careful about what I should say next. I wanted to ask him what he meant. I had so many questions but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I even cared enough to ask them. Was my heart so angry that any more betrayal just didnt matter anymore?. "Helga, are you alright?" he asked. He dipped his head in front of mine, hoping to get some reaction. I shook it off and kept myself level headed. "Yeah, im fine. Sorry im not the best cook". He gave me a soft smile. "Its cool. Just dont burn down my apartment okay?" he giggled. "Ha, right. Next time, you do the cooking" I faked a smirk. I wanted to get my phone but I didnt want him to get in the way. "I have such a headache, Im gonna lay down" I headed towards the bedroom. He grabbed my hand before I could completely turn around. "Wait..uh.. last night was nice. Im really happy you decided to move forward with me. I really do like you a lot Helga and I wanna take care of you" he seemed genuine but I couldnt buy it. "Oh stop being such a sap. Yeah yeah, I like you too" I retracted my hand back. I didn't really mean that, especially after what I think I just heard. "Im gonna head to the bar and cash some checks. Make yourself at home" he said. This was the perfect opportunity. "Okay" I said in my softest sweetest voice. Was I trying too hard? I wondered. He kissed my cheek and headed out. The minute the front door locked, I darted to my cell phone. I popped it open in hopes of finding something incriminating. Nothing. Not even a voice mail. I called Arnold as fast as I could. I wasn't thinking about the plan anymore. I wanted him to give me one good reason to forgive him. Anything. I wanted to be proven wrong, so badly.

"Helga.." he answered within a few rings. "Arnold?" my voice went up a pitch. "I dont have much time. Meet me on the roof. Ill be waiting" he hung up. My heart fluttered like I was Juliet breaking some rule behind my fathers back. I was excited. I hated that. I ran out the door without leaving a note or even text message and floated my way across town. I dont even remember the walk there. I was disgustingly ecstatic to the point of losing my conscientiousness or any sense of pride. I flew up the fire escape and landed on the roof. There he was, the bane of my existence, waiting as he said. "Better be worth it" I mumbled. He turned around to face me. His eye's were sunken in like he hadn't slept at all. He smiled even though his face didn't match it. He walked up to me slowly, cautiously, avoiding some sort of jab to the heart. He got a few inches from me and took a deep breath. "Im glad you came. I need to talk to you" he handed me a piece of paper. Some sort of document from a doctors office he found. I glanced over it but my eye's couldn't adjust to any words. Concentrate Helga, concentrate. "What am I looking at?" I asked. "Proof. Proof that I never cheated on you" he said. It was dated around the same time we broke up. It was a positive pregnancy test but the name wasn't Arnold's. It was Gloria's signature and... "Wait a minute.." I whispered. I couldn't register what I was seeing. She WAS pregnant. She didn't lie about that. But the father of the babies name. "Jamie-o?" I asked. I wasn't sure if I was asking myself, or Arnold. I looked up at him and I could see some sense of relief in his eye's. "Proof" he smiled as he whispered it again.

I couldn't process it but It was indeed proof. "Arnold..this doesn't change what you did. You may have not cheated, but you still chose her instead of me. Without any proof that this baby was even yours. How is that fair?". I was right. It doesn't change his actions. Her word against a night he couldn't even remember?. Her word against mine?. He handed me another paper. "I knew something wasn't right when I saw the picture of you misplaced on the board in my room. I would never move that. Made me really look around" he said. I opened up the other paper to find the altered version of the paternity test. Arnold's name written there plain as day. Which one was the fake and which one was the real test? I asked myself. "How do I know that you didn't change this to justify yourself?" I asked him. "Because this is the paper I found behind the board and the paper with Jamie-O's name is the paper I got from the hospital" he said. "Hospital...They just handed you a piece of paper that didn't belong to you?" I had so many questions. "No, they didn't and for once, I broke a lot of rules. For you, I dont care if they threw me in jail for it" he took my hands in his and I LET him. I was trembling from too many emotions at once. My hands were slipping between his fingers. "I..I dont know what to think. It doesn't make any sense" I kept reviewing it over and over in my mind. "I kept wondering too. So I spent all night doing research. Gloria used to work for Jamie-O at his bar. She was a server for a few months before she started working with me. I had no idea either. Im not really sure why but, they've been talking. I found deleted text messages on her phone too. If it wasn't for the tilted picture, I would have given up" he said.

Arnold kept squeezing my hands to stay intertwined with his. I wanted to continue to sabotage him but I was so tired. Yes, I was angry that it took this long to unravel everything but, I believed him. The look in his eye's was undeniable. I knew his soul all too well. This man could never lie, even if I thought for the longest time he was the best at it. "It was me.." here I go. It was my turn to unravel. "I was in your room. I was the one who titled the picture. I found myself there after a session and I.." My walls were crumbling around me. Exposing everything I worked so hard to build. "I missed you... I just wanted to smell your shirts and lay in your bed. I hated you so much but it wasnt enough. I couldn't stay away. I saw my picture and un-clipped it. I didn't think you'd notice something as trivial as a slightly adjusted picture of me..I didn't think i'd be the reason that it would lead me back to you.." and there it was. My exposed, naked and ugly truth. I was officially back to square one. He was frozen in his place. I put my hands back to my side and slid them in my pockets. "I feel stupid for admitting that because even though I sort of forgive you, Im terrified of being with you. I dont know how to not hate you. How to not vent about you to my therapist. How to make you the hero all of a sudden. You have to give me time" I took a step back. "I understand. I do" he said softly. "Good. You better because if you think for a second that Im just going to fall into your arms and kiss you, you can forget it!" I shouted. "I wouldn't dare" he put his hands up and surrendered. "Now, what to do about Jamie. How do I expose him for the dirt bag of a person he is. I cant believe I let myself agree to be his girlfriend. Granted that only lasted a whole 5 minutes but who's counting.." I said a loud. Arnold cleared his throat in annoyance. "Girlfriend?" he asked.

"What's it to you anyway Arnoldo?, You were no knight in shining armor ya know" I reminded him. "I know.." he seemed upset. I wasn't too concerned about his feelings at the moment considering the past. I sighed, placing my hand on his shoulder. "Dont worry. You're better in bed" I smirked. He chuckled, brushing his ego a bit. "Look, Phoebe's wedding is in a few weeks. Lets agree to remain a good distance until then. There's a few holes I need to patch up and I think there's a certain place you need to move out of?" I suggested. "Already been done..It was a long night for me.." he said. "Good" I said. The wind howled between us, making a silent moment just a tad less awkward. It was chilly up there and I wasn't sure if I should blame the weather. "Get some rest. I'll see you when I see you" I wanted to remain a mystery. A forbidden fruit he couldn't take a bite of yet. He nodded and slapped a stupid handsome smirk on his face. I hated to admit but I was happy. I wanted everything I just heard to be the truth. I knew it was but that was the hardest part for me I think. Believing it was tough. I spent so much time thinking he was the worst but deep down I knew something wasn't right. I knew he couldn't just change personalities with a snap of my fingers. I headed back to my own apartment to find Jamie-O waiting at the front of my door. I wasn't even angry at him. I was way too happy to even care that he clearly played me for a fool. I kept my smile on and approached him. "Its a good day isn't it?" I asked. He seemed suspicious of me. "Why did you leave my apartment without telling me?" he asked. "You dont own me ya know. I could do whatever I want.." I pushed him aside to unlock my door.

"But we are together now. I would think that its common curtsy to do that!" he grabbed my wrist and slammed me against my door. I dropped my key's in the process. I was pinned all of a sudden. "Let go of me. Now" I demanded. He pulled me towards him then slammed me again. "No. I think you and I need to chat. Now" he squeezed my wrist even tighter. "The fuck"! I shouted. He pushed my arm behind my back and bent me to the ground. "Grab the keys and open the door" He continued to push me down. "LET ME GO!" I shouted for my damn life. He was hurting me and I was terrified. He scooped his hand around my mouth. "Shut the hell up and grab the damn key's" He whispered in my ear. I started to tremble, grabbing the key's and quickly unlocking the door. At this point, I just wanted to run in and grab something to defend myself with. As soon as I opened the door, he threw me towards the couch. I flipped over it and landed on ground. Everything was happening so fast that I couldn't even remember where anything was. He stomped towards me, grabbing my ankles and pulled me towards him. "LET GO!" I shouted as loud as possible. He was too strong to push away, as tough as I thought I was. He pulled me up and sat me down on the couch. I could smell the drops of blood coming from my temple but couldn't feel any cuts. I was too terrified to even speak. "Now. Lets talk, shall we?" he asked. My body was trembling in fear. My leg's couldn't stop shaking. "I wont hurt you if you just comply with me" he suggested. "Too late for that" I mumbled. He knelled in front of me, making sure I didn't move a muscle. "I know you went to see Arnold. I know you know all about how Gloria forged a pregnancy test. That bitch is crazy. I know you're probably wondering why my name was on that paternity test. Its true, I was the father and Arnold wasn't. Happy? Im sure you are.."

"I know that you used me to get at Arnold. Im not stupid, I knew from the start and you made that very clear. Who's the real bad guy Helga?, honestly, because it isnt me. You never had feelings for me but used me anyway. Did you think that I could easily be played like that? Nah, not me. To be fair, at first I decided to join you because I was pissed at Gloria myself. Ya know, you kind of remind me of her" He grabbed my cheeks and titled my head. I smacked his hands away out of habit. "Fair enough. Anyway as I was saying.. I knocked her up and thought she may have wanted to start a family with me, but no..SHE wanted to be with Arnold and threatened to kill my unborn child if I didn't help her forge this stupid paternity test. I think it would have been obvious that Arnold wasn't the father, but I didn't care. She said she lost the baby but by then I had met you and I decided to let it go. I thought it had to be fate that you showed up at my bar. It had to be. It was too good. I loved Gloria at the time. We had something special but you..you are a fire storm. I wanted you, even if that meant playing along with Gloria until we both got what we wanted in the end. But of course, Arnold. Arnold, ARNOLD!" he slammed his fist on the couch beside me. I jolted back in fear. I kept my eye's away from him, avoiding all contact. "He always seem's to show up at the right time. I just didn't think he'd figure it out. I fucking hate that kid. I always have, always will. Bold my ass, he's just a piece of shit" He was obviously trying his best to convince himself he was some sort of saint. I kept my eye's averted and my hands still at my sides.

"..So what do you want me to do..?" I asked. I was afraid for my life. Jamie became a stranger in a matter of seconds to me. I wasn't sure what he planned on doing to me. I just wanted to be alive long enough to be with Arnold again. "I want you to be with me...is that so much to ask?" He softly wiped the blood from my forehead. I still couldn't look at him. I was still scared of how aggressive he was. I didn't care how it would turn out. I would never give in to something as trivial as blackmail, even if it meant something awful would happen to me. I couldn't just give Arnold up like that. "No. Do what you want with me but Im not going to be with you. You disgust me" I whispered angrily. He took a deep breath from frustration. "I knew you'd spit fire. I didn't expect anything less of you. What do I have to do to convince you that I love you. I love you Helga and I know you love me too..I know it.." He grabbed my shoulders, almost begging me to be with him. He sounded pathetic. I couldn't believe THIS was the Jamie-o I was with. "I dont love you. I never loved you. I love Arnold. Now let me go and I promise I wont call the police or tell anyone you tried to hurt me today" I stood my ground no matter the cost. I was starting to wonder if being headstrong was such a good idea now. He started to quietly weep, covering his face with his hands. I felt bad for him. Gloria clearly was the destroyer of worlds. She messed him up pretty badly and I didn't help the cause either. Using him like that, it wasn't like me. I was hurt because of her like some vicious cycle. She needed to pay for all this damage she caused. "Look Jamie, Im sorry. Im sorry she did this to you and im sorry that I contributed in my own way. But you knew what this was. Yeah in the end I gave up and decided to date you but to be fair..You lied about everything. So no, you are the bad guy in this story" I said.

I tried to sneak away while he kept his eye's covered. I slowly slid down the side of the couch and lifted myself up to the edge. He continued to cry as I quietly placed one foot down off the couch. I crept towards the front door and placed my hand on the knob. I turned it as quietly as possible watching his every move. I opened the door just enough to slide between a tiny crack. He quickly lifted his head and saw me exiting. I darted out the door and ran down the steps towards Gerald and Phoebe's apartment. I could hear Jamie's loud feet trailing behind me. I was running out of breath but kept on going. The idea of not being with Arnold and starting a family with him, holding him, kissing him, making love to him was enough to propel me forward. I reached for my phone in my back pocket, mid run, and dialed the first number I could click without looking. "Hey, I thought we were going to avoid each other till the wedding?" Arnold answered. "ARNOLD!" I shouted. I couldn't really breathe all that well. "Whats wrong?!" He asked concerned. "IM...BEING...CHASED...BY...J-Ja-mie" I tried to speak as best as I could. "What are you talking about?! DID HE HURT YOU?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" he went full panic mode. "RUNNING. AWAY. NEAR. GERALD'S. HURRY" I hung up. The phone slid out of my hands from the sweat and broke in pieces behind me. I didn't care to look back because at this point if I did, I'd pass out. I turned the corner before he could and ran down the nearest alley way. If I didn't stop, I was going to die from a damn heart attack. I hid behind the dumpster to catch my breath. I could hear Jamie-O passing the alleyway and running forward. I was in the clear for now but terrified of leaving my spot. Sooner or later he's going to realize that Im not running anymore.

I didn't have my cell phone to update anyone as to where I was. I was stuck and obviously afraid for my life. I had to convince myself that Jamie-o wouldn't actually kill me or anything. He was just being manic because of emotions, right?. I wasnt so sure anymore. People do crazy things when they are obsessed. I should know. After about 20 minutes of silence, I decided to poke my head out to check the coast. "Helga?!..HELGA!?" a voice was shouting frantically. I was too afraid to answer. I didn't want to give myself away. I knew it was Arnold looking for me. "Heelllggaaaa!" He kept shouting. He wasn't close enough yet to reveal myself. I waited till his voice got closer and closer. I wanted to dash out of the alleyway and into his arms. If this taught me anything, It was that time is waaaay too short to just wait around. I didn't want to waste anymore time. I wanted to fall in to his arms and kiss him. I wanted to. I needed to. Without even realizing it, my emotions led me out of the alleyway. "ARNOLD!?" I shouted as loud as possible. "IM OVER HERE!" my inner Juliet was reckless. I saw him turn the corner and look at me. There he was. He started to run towards me as I opened my arms. I was ready to finally give in. I was ready for that long awaited kiss. He suddenly stopped, putting his hands out in front of him.

"Wait..NO!" he shouted.

Everything went black.

His voice echoed in the darkness. I felt...cloudy. I heard a few scuffles and banter. I heard shouting and sirens. I couldn't make out any words. Where was I?..

It seemed like just a few seconds to me. I kept hearing Arnold's voice but without any picture. I was a broken television. "Helga.." his voice changed. Slowly becoming louder and higher. "Helga, wake up.." this voice was also familiar.

"Mom...?" I asked. I slowly opened my eye's to my mother sitting beside me. "Mom!?" I stood up. Immediately I was hit with the biggest pain in my head. I reached towards the pain and felt a huge bump on my temple. "Ouch.." I yelped. "Oh honey, lay down. You haven't recovered yet" she slowly pushed me back down. "What..what happened?" I asked. I looked down and noticed a needle in my arm. I was hooked up to an I.V. What the hell am I doing at a hospital?!. I hate hospitals. "Just rest dear. Its okay. Everything is okay" she tried to assure me. "Where's Arnold?" I asked. She didn't respond which made me believe the worst. I didn't care if my head was falling off, I needed to see him. "Arnold, where's Arnold.." I stood up again, baring the pain and gritting my teeth. "Helga, just wait.. wait hold on" she tried to hold me back. I ripped the IV out of my arm and pushed her away. I didn't care. I just wanted to see him. Where was he?!. I kept asking myself. Like a zombie, I walked aimlessly through the halls of the hospital. "Miss, please go back to your room" a nurse approached me. She grabbed my wrist to take me back to my room. "Let me go, where's Arnold?! Arnold Shortman?!" I asked. "Are you his..come with me" she said. I followed her in this daze. I wasn't sure if It was because of my head injury or because I was so scared. The fact she had to escort me anywhere means that something happened to him. "He's in here. Try to stay calm okay?" she asked of me. Calm.. thats a funny thing to ask somebody to be when the person they love may be hurt or dead. Behind that door could change my entire life.

I walked in and hoped what I saw was just a dream or my brain playing tricks on me. Arnold was sleeping. He had a few IV's hooked up and bandages wrapped around his head and wrist. I slowly approached his bedside and sat down beside him. The beeps kept on beeping but the sound felt like nails on chalk board. "Arnold.." I whispered. His eye's were black and blue and his bottom lip was swollen. "Stupid football head.." I was angry at him. How did he get like this? I had a feeling I knew who did this but I wasn't sure. I turned to the nurse, hoping she could tell me something. I didn't have to ask her anything. She decided I should know. "He got in to a fight. By the time the ambulance came he was knocked out beside you. There was someone else there too. He was badly beaten up but he was awake. He's been arrested. That's all I know" she said. "And Arnold..is he gonna be okay?" I asked. It was the most important question I had in my head. I didn't care about Jamie, myself or anyone else. "I think so. Vitals look good and his MRI seemed to be okay..he's just tired" she said. Without warning I broke down in to tears. Hearing he was okay was enough to send me over the edge. I wasn't embarrassed or trying to hide anything anymore. I held his hand to my lips as they quivered. Tear's bathing his fingers. "I'll leave you alone for a few but I have to bring you back to your room soon okay?" she left us alone. "Wake up. If you dont i'll pound you even more than Jamie did. So you better wake up soon" I couldn't help it. I had to stay in character for my own sanity. I planted myself next to him until someone came in and dragged me back to my room. I didn't want to leave him. The pain of being away from him was so much worse than my head injury. So much worse than that..

I sat in my bed and tapped my fingers away. "Helga be patient. Once they release you then you can be by his side. Just be patient" my mom tried to keep my calm. "Yeah, Yeah Miriam" I kept tapping away. The door opened and a nurse walked in. "Helga, there's someone here who wants to see you". The nurse moved aside and let the visitor through. Gloria walked in with this fake concern on her face. "You.." I whispered under my breath. "Mom, give us a minute" I said. She nodded and left the room. It was just me and Gloria. There was so many things I wanted to say but didn't know where to start. "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked. "Jamie's in jail. Good. He's a little crazy in the head dontcha think?" she said. She walked over towards me and sat at the edge of my bed. "All thanks to you. Dontcha think?" I mocked her. "This hospital brings back a few memories for me. It's where I got my abortion. Not a fun thing to do" she said. "I knew it. You didn't lose the baby, you killed it" my suspicions were correct. "Of course I did. How could I keep a baby that clearly wasn't Arnold's? That would be stupid" she said. "You need help Gloria, I feel bad for you. Its over now. You lost" I reminded her of the bitter truth. She had nothing left to play. Her hand was empty and she could no longer checkmate me. She smiled, stepping off of the bed and heading towards the door. I wasn't too sure why she decided to show her ugly face to me. I didn't care too much considering the situation. She stopped by the door and turned to look at me one last time before she left.

"Have I Helga?" she said, smirking slightly.

She left the room and slammed the door behind her. I stood there, wondering what the hell she meant by that. I had to make sure that she didn't have anymore hidden plays in her book. I needed to beat her at her own game. I wondered if she was just saying that to make herself feel better about losing. She was playing mind games with me and I was tired of her shit. Im done sitting this one out. Nothing was going to get in the way of me being with Arnold anymore. I cannot lose him again. I refuse.

After a few minutes the nurse came back to give me some well deserved good news.

"Hes awake!" she said. I jolted up off my bed and wasted no time. I need to tell him how I feel. I need to let him know that I want to be with him, now. I need to tell him that I love him...


	6. No tears left to cry

**Chapter 6: No tears left to cry**

(In the perspective of Helga)

"I haven't heard a peep from Gloria in 2 weeks" I said. Once again, I was with Dr. Bliss but for different reasons than before. "Maybe she was trying to mess with your head. I wouldn't look too much in to it if I were you" she suggested. I couldn't help but worry about it. Someone like Gloria is capable of hitting it out of left field. I didn't want to take that risk. I kept my eye's and hears open, but maybe just a little bit too much. The good new's was that Arnold and I didn't waste any time. After that whole incident, we realized that it was better to be together than apart. Sometimes it takes a bump on the head and a few broken ribs to have that realization. Dr. Bliss was happy about one thing, she wouldn't have to hear about me wanting to be with him anymore. I was only there because of my fear of the unknown. "I've been practically living at the boarding house since he got home from the hospital. We haven't really been able to be alone. Im taking care of him until he fully recovers. Im just impatient because I want to be even closer. I dont even know how thats possible considering. I dont know, I think I just want some ALONE alone time, ya know what I mean?" I knew she knew what I meant. She cleared her throat in an obvious awkward way and chuckled. "Well, didn't the doctor say 2 weeks for a full recovery?" she smiled. "Oh trust me doc, im waaaay ahead of you on that" the alarm went off and the session was over. I dont think I remember a time where I was laying on this purple couch and felt this much happiness. I kept her close though, just in case the dormant volcano would erupt without warning. "Good luck tonight Helga" she winked. If that wasn't the most uncomfortable old person wink I ever saw.

I darted out her office and on to the bus going the opposite way. I was heading towards Arnold's now, instead of my lonely dark apartment. I wasn't counting strangers anymore as they passed by. I wasn't searching for football shaped heads or flax colored hair. I was heading right to that instead. It was a good feeling none the less. I skipped off the bus and could definitely tell the difference in the air. I had my own key made and everything but I still snuck up on the roof. Old habits die hard I promise you that. I popped open his window and slowly trickled my way down in to his room. He was lying on his couch with his headphones on and eye's shut. He had this stupid smirk on his face like the song he was listening to reminded him of something. Someone, maybe?. I had high hopes. I knelled down and tapped on his shoulder. He quickly opened his eyes and pushed his headphones off his ears. "Hey!, How was the session with Bliss?" he asked. "None of your business Arnoldo, Erm, I mean..Good" I said following a deep sigh. "Sorry, im trying to cut down on my 4th grade Helga vibes" I rolled my eye's at myself. "I dont mind it so much. I know who you really are inside that headstrong heart of your's" he gently placed his finger on my chest near my heart. "Yeah, yeah. I know.." I blushed, quickly darting my eye's to the ground. "So..how are you feeling?" I asked. He smiled from cheek to cheek as if he knew why I was asking. "I feel great. No pain, no problems..." He sat up and slowly looked down at me. His eye's glossy with just a tiny twinkle. Ugh, it made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt like I was waiting in line for a roller coaster or something. The anticipation was driving me nuts.

"Right..well, thats good.." I couldn't really keep the conversation going. His eye's were so distracting. He started to slowly bend towards me. Inching closer and closer to my lips. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks and pulled me towards his lips. I shut my eye's and waited for that major drop to come. His hands were warm and his lips were even warmer. They pressed against mine so softly I could barely feel them. I felt so teased it wasn't even funny. I knew he was being a gentleman about it but I was way too impatient. We should be intertwined with no clothes between us by now. The kiss became more opened mouth by the second and I was burning up from head to toe. I pulled him off for just a second to catch my breath. His eye's were no longer sparkling, they were on fire. He stood up and took me with him. He grabbed my hand and I followed him blindly to his bed. Wasn't I the one who was eager a second ago?. To be fair, he hasn't had any real human interaction since we broke up. I,at least had some sort of practice since then. I couldn't imagine how eager he must have felt verses what I was feeling, and I was pretty eager. He slightly pushed me down and dug his mouth on my neck. I arched my back and dug the back of my head in his pillow. He was so soft but yet so..so..rough. No amount of practice with someone else could prepare me for this moment. I knew from the start that he was the only one who knew how to touch me like this. My body could barely keep it together. I found myself taring off my clothing like they didn't cost anything. He snapped the back of my bra off and threw it to his side. I was almost completely exposed, excluding my pink frilly underwear. yeah thats right, I came prepared.

He lifted himself over me and just stared for a second. I was beat red all over the place. He was just looking, like a creep, at my exposed chest. I was ready to slap that look off his face but It oddly gave me confidence. "You are so beautiful" he whispered. I rolled my eye's naturally and looked away from him. "Yeah well, you arent so bad yourself.." I mumbled under my breath. He giggled, signaling that he heard what I just said and made his way towards my freakishly warm chest. I kept my eye's away from just utter embarrassment. I wasn't used to feeling so vulnerable. I didn't even want to make a sound. I felt too girly right now when Im usually the one calling the shots. I forgot what It felt like to just let him do whatever he wanted. Only Arnold had that power though, only him. I let out a few unavoidable moans because he was insanely good at making them happen. He stopped for just a second to meet with my eye's again. "Just let yourself go Helga" he whispered. "Let me get inside" he continued on. Oh he was about to get inside alright, but I think he meant my brain or heart or.. I dont know but he was right. I could feel myself closing up and being afraid to fully commit to this moment. I wanted him and I was sure of that, but I was afraid of him at the same time. I was afraid of feeling this close and him tasting, touching and squeezing whatever he could find. What if the roller coaster wasn't as fun to ride anymore like when I first road it?. What if we get this far and somehow everything just falls apart again. Maybe this was mostly about my heart than it was the physically part of it. Sex wasnt just sex with Arnold, it was making a whole lot of love, which was definitely scary to me now. "Im sorry.." I whispered. "Dont be. If you arent ready, I will wait. I can wait, for as long as you want me to" he said.

I wasn't sure anymore what I wanted. I think the fear in my heart was enough to halt everything that was going on. I sat up, dragging the blankets over my half naked body. "I wanted this for so long and yet here I am, the one backing down" I said. He shook his head in disagreement. "I know what you mean. I have the same fear's and even though I was ready to let them down, It wouldn't have been my best performance and I want to make sure you get 100 percent of me when we do get back to the swing of things" he said. He sat at the edge of the bed, handing me my clothes one at a time. "The wedding is in 1 more week. We'll have a hotel room to ourselves and not have to worry about your parents calling you down or knocking on the door" I said. "I totally agree, and we'll spend the week together and focus on catching up and getting our minds in a good place" he said. I felt so conflicted. I was all hot and bothered but more bothered than hot. I loved him, with every tiny ounce of my being, but I needed to close a few doors before I can open my own. "Yeah, I agree" I smiled. He smiled back and took my hand. He kissed it gently and let it back down. "Im okay now, so dont worry about me anymore. Im here to stay and no matter if the world splits in two and we're on opposite sides, I'll find a way to you. I always have and I always will. I love you and I know its a bit early to say but for me thats never changed.." he said. My heart was a puddle on the floor by the end of it. The last time I told him I loved him was at his bedside 2 weeks ago. He barely remembered it and to me It just didnt count. "Arnold..I.." my lips suddenly stopped moving. I was too afraid to say it now that he had my full attention. I was frustrated at myself for being so fearful of it. Did he need to be barely alive for me to say it without hesitation?. His eye's were desperate to hear it. There was that twinkle again.

"I need to get to Phoebes soon and do my final fitting. You should come a long and kill two birds with one stone. Whattya say?" I asked, trying to divert the conversation. He was disappointment, I could feel it. I was annoyed at myself, im sure he could feel that too. "Right!" he quickly turned that frown. He was acting to throw off the scent but I knew he was upset. I just wasn't ready. Who was I kidding?. The fear of making love to him and waking up to him gone with enough to keep the word "Love" out of my mouth. It didn't mean anything though. I do love him, I really really do. After we cleaned up a bit, we headed to Phoebe and Gerald's. I really haven't spoken to Gerald since the day of the fight. We barely said a few words to each other at the hospital. I wasn't sure if he was angry at me for what happened with Jamie-O. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever. I stood behind Arnold in hopes that he could somehow protect me from the inevitable. Gerald answered the door and I could feel his energy immediately. My eye's quickly darted down from the sheer fact that he couldn't even look at me. "Come in" he said softly. We walked in to what felt like a billion eye's on us. The apartment was dense and dark. It was uncomfortable from the second we set foot. Arnold led me in to the living room as I sat down gently on the couch. Arnold sat beside me and held my hand. He was ready to hear whatever it was they had to say to us. I for one, wasn't. Gerald and Phoebe walked in like they were about to tell us that they were already divorcing. They sat across from us and let the silence do the talking. I waited a few seconds before I was ready to even take a breath. "Im sorry about Jamie-O" Gerald apologized. I was confused because the air felt like the complete opposite of that. I wasn't sure if he was apologizing because no one else could, or because he actually meant it.

"Water under the bridge" Arnold said. "Helga, you promised me that nothing bad would happen and now Gerald's brother is in jail. Im not blaming you for that but I just wanted everyone to be there" Phoebe said. I couldn't look at her. No matter if she blamed me or not, I was a huge part of it. I wasn't the fire starter, but I kept the fire going. "Look, no offense Gerald but Jamie had it coming. This was brewing inside him for a long time. He snapped and it just so happened that Helga-" Arnold puffed his chest to defend me. I squeezed his hand to stop talking. "Its okay Arnold.." I whispered to him. I looked over at the two of them and bowed my head slightly. "Im sorry. Im sorry I broke that promise. Im sorry I broke Jamie and im sorry that you all were involved. My revenge plan back fired and although it looks good from the outside, inside its a mess. Im pulling myself out of the wedding to avoid anymore damage. Im sorry Pheebs but its for the best" I couldn't have my cake and eat it too. With Gloria out there, I had to make sure I was far away from this as possible. Phoebe covered her eye's and quietly wept to herself. She didn't try to fight for me to stay and I think I just did the job for her. I made it a lot easier for her to do what she should have done from the beginning. "Maybe I shouldn't go either. Helga's right. I think we both need to step away and watch from a far. Im sorry Gerald, I want to be your best man but I cant do that if I dont have Helga with me. It's selfish but you'd do the same for Phoebe" Arnold kept my sweaty hand in his. You can tell Gerald was furious at Arnold. I didn't agree with his decision but I knew there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. "Fine. If that's what you both want, I'll make sure to post a video on facebook for you" he said almost sarcastically. Phoebe kept on weeping and I didn't have the courage to walk over and hold her.

"Have a happy wedding. You both deserve it" Arnold smiled, standing up and pulling me with him. I kept my mouth shut until we left the apartment. I pulled my hand away and stood still. "It's bad enough that Im not going to be there, but you too!? how bad does that make me look?!" I shouted. "I knew you'd contest to this but I've made up my mind. Im not going without you" he said. "But that's not how I wanted this to be. Im taking responsibility for my actions and that doesn't mean you have to pay for them too!" I continued to shout. "Dont you get it Helga, your hurt is also my hurt. Your actions are also mine now. That's how it works when you love someone. I will take the fall with you and if I could, I would take the blame as well. As much as you want to place all the blame on yourself, I was the reason you even got in to this mess in the first place. Let me take responsibility for my action's from the start. If anything, its all me. You just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, all because of ME!" he shouted back. I was speechless. He was sort of right. Not that I was ready to point fingers at him but he had a point. To be honest, I would do the same thing for him. He started to walk ahead of me towards his car and I continued to stay frozen. "I love you" I said softly. He stopped and turned around slowly. "What?" he asked. This was my opportunity to take it all back and pretend like I didn't say anything but I actually didn't want to. All this talk about taking time and reflect and being too afraid to say anything was a cover up. "I love you" I said it, loud and clear. I was afraid, I was but his action's spoke so much louder than words. Him diving in to the deep dark water's with me without hesitation was enough for me to let my fear go, even for a second. He smiled, nice and wide. "I love you too" he took back my sweaty hand. "The whole world is falling apart around us but Im with you and thats all that matters" I said.

I was oddly talkative and expressive. I kept that wall up for so long that when I let it down, I let it down hard. I sounded so out of character but yet, so in character that I was bouncing like a ping pong ball. I normally wouldn't talk like this out loud but the word vomit was hard to stop. "Please dont let me regret this. Please dont. Dont take away the moon from the tide. I need you. So please, dont hurt me again" I was on the edge of a break down. I was about the let out the last tear's left to cry. He pulled me in to his chest and placed his hand on my head. "I'd rather die before I hurt you again" he whispered. The last of the water works pored out until I shut them off for good. I promised myself that this was the last time. No more tear's left to cry. I was done feeling my pointer finger slide across the eye lids. "We go down, we go down together, got it?" he asked. I nodded. We headed back to my apartment and spent the rest of the night chatting until dawn. We slept the next day away without a care in the world. Here we were again, like nothings changed. I let himself get comfortable in this new but old way of life. Everyday I was closer and closer to finally bringing myself to fully submerge back into it. I even almost deleted my therapist's number, but wanted to make sure I said my proper goodbye to her in person. I headed to her office without warning on an odd day of the week. Normally I would be there on a Tuesday, but I didn't think that I would need her services on the Tuesday that was to come. I was humming a tune in the elevator and picking at my teeth in the mirror. It was funny, the person I was looking at in the reflection was who I was striving to be for so long. Not a care in the world and her eye makeup in place. Not that messed up looking girl who's eyeliner was painted down her cheeks like it was on purpose. I hated that girl and from the looks of it, she was no longer a threat to this mirror.

I skipped down to her office and held the door knob. Before I could twist it open I felt this sudden sensation that kept me frozen. Something was wrong. The air felt different and my heart felt sunk. The hallway was quiet and I could barely hear a siren muffled from the outside world but I could hear a quiet voice. A voice that was too familiar to mistaken. I wasn't fully understanding of it because I was way too much in denial to make it out. I placed my ear on the door to listen in. I could make out a sentence or two but the heart beating in my chest was louder. "Im going to do! I swear it but I need her out of the way!" her voice shouted, following a loud crash of some sort. "Calm down Gloria, take a deep breath and try to relax. There's no need to throw thing's around. Everything is alright" Dr. Bliss said softly. "What did she say to you huh?!, That im not a threat anymore?! That im just messing with her HEAD!? OH, she'll see.." Gloria continued to shout. I couldn't comprehend it. Bliss was a backstabbing piece of trash! She knew how much I was hurting and yet she was counseling GLORIA of all people! GLORIA?!. I kept listening on, hoping to find out a few more details before I busted the door down and made a scene. "Are you a threat Gloria?" she asked. Gloria was silent for awhile. I heard her foot steps pacing back and forth. "It doesn't matter. I just need you to make sure she think's Im not. So that when I do attack, its out of nowhere and it hits her hard" she said. "Gloria, have you been taking your medication. Bi polar disorder is not something you should brush aside. You can potentially hurt yourself and other's around you" Dr. Bliss was doing her usual thing. "That's the point" Gloria was completely out of her mind. Which was no surprise to me and I almost felt bad for her.

I was done waiting and opened the door aggressively. "Helga!" Dr. Bliss was obviously surprised to see me. "Really, Gloria? of all the people in the world..." I wasn't even mad, I was extremely disappointment. Gloria stood up and smiled. "Oh what a surprise, I was just talking about you". "Yeah, I know. I heard" I mumbled. "Gloria, I think it's time for you to head home. The session was over minutes ago" Dr. Bliss was trying her hardest to be professional. "Fine." She stood up and swiftly passed me. "See you next week" she said in passing. She kept her eye's away from mine, knowing that i'd smash her to pieces if she even dared to be too close. I shut the door behind me and stood close to it. "Helga, you do know that there was no way that I could tell you the truth. Patient confidentiality is something that us therapist have to abide by. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I could loose my license if I was honest with you" she said. I knew all that, but I just couldn't accept any of it. "I came here to tell you that I wouldn't be coming back because me and Arnold were doing well but I guess Im changing my reasoning. I told you so much and you saw me at my lowest yet, because of your precious confidentiality, you let me sit here for 2 years and watched me suffer. I just have one question and I hope that just for a second you'd throw the rule book out the window"? I asked. "...go ahead and ask me" she said. "Did you know..All this time..Did you know that Gloria was lying about everything and about the baby, Jamie and Arnold?" I asked. She kept quiet, which was enough of an answer for me. "That's really terrible.." my heart was broken. To think this all could have been avoided if she just broke a few rules at my expense. "I thought we were more than just patient and Dr. I really did...I wont be needing your services anymore because you are a terrible therapist and human being" I turned around and headed out the door.

"Wait Helga, Im so sorry.." her voice echoed behind me. I was done hearing anymore sorries from anyone else. I slammed the door behind me and held my head up high. I smashed the elevator button and watched the number's roll up. They were blurry from the water that was building up in my eye's. There was no one left in the world but Arnold now. Not even my best friend. He was all I had left and that was a problem for me. If anything should happen and somehow Arnold was gone too, I would be left with nothing. All this time I kept telling myself I had options but now, I have to depend on a foundation that was already shaky. I have to trust Arnold now with everything I have. Even if it means I lose it all. I was looking at that reflection in the elevator again. That girl came back quicker than I anticipated. The running eyeliner and the frowning face but for different reason's. This was the last time I was going to be on this elevator. Who knew I'd feel so brokenhearted over a therapist. The same one who got me to confess my feelings for Arnold when I was a kid. She had the answer to all my problems hidden in her clip board and didn't bother to give it to me. No amount of laws and rules should ever take away anyone's humanity. I was just another one to give her income. I left the building and waited at the bus stop. Arnold told me to call him when I was done but I just needed to be alone. I felt like I lost a family member or something. Like she might as well be dead. The sky was gloomy and gray and there was a slight chill in the air but I couldn't tell the difference, even if it was a beautiful day. Gloria sat at the same bus stop at the very far edge of the bench. I didn't care anymore. She was obviously out of her mind and at this point, whatever she had up her sleeve, was just an empty threat in a fucked up mind.

"...She's not a very good therapist anyway.." she said softly. I kept quiet and did my best to ignore her. There was no way in hell I would give her the time of day. "...I guess we're even now" she continued on. I had no idea what she meant but humoring her now would be meaningless. I shifted my eye's slightly towards her, than back in front of me. "I uh- I would pissed off at her too..haha.." she tried to make conversation. "Would you be quiet!" I shouted. She jolted like she was nervous or something and kept quiet for a bit. It didnt last long though. "I hope Arnold is okay. I mean, Im sure he's better than he's ever been, with you back and all.." I wasnt sure if she was trying to start something or was genuine. "He's just fine" I said in a mumble. "Good...I- um.. Im sorry. Im not all there in the mind.." she attempted an apology. "I dont care Gloria, I just dont care" I said. "I know its just-" she tried to continue but I was done with her. No amount of an apology or excuse's she could come up with was enough to get me to give in to her. "You just WHAT GLORIA?! huh!? What you did to everyone is completely inexcusable. I dont care how FUCKED up you are. TAKE A PILL, SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!" I shouted. My voice echoed through the busy streets of Hillwood. She kept quiet, looking away and taking the punches. "Okay" she whispered. It was surprising to say the least. She really was bi polar and for that split second, I felt guilty for screaming at her. She deserved so much more but me being insensitive was hardly the punishment she needed. Was she actually trying to apologize? There was no way of really telling. She stood up and started to walk away. I felt this sense of ease come over me like a weight was lifted. Maybe she was gone for good this time and I was finally free from her voice in my head. I felt like I was finally in the clear. I think Im ready to take that leap now.

I pulled out my phone and called Arnold. I didn't want to tell him what just happened. I felt like it didnt even matter anymore. He picked up quickly. "Hey, want me to come get you?" he asked. "Yeah..if you could. Im just sitting at the bench near the bus stop" I said. "Ill be there in a few.." he hung up. I waited for him, kicking my feet around and scrolling through the apps on my cell phone. A good 30 minutes passed in the process. In the mist of my facebook stalking, my phone began to ring. It was Dr. Bliss, calling to probably make up even more excuses. I picked up out of curiosity of course. "I said I was done-" I spoke first. She quickly interjected.

"Helga, I need to speak with you. Its very urgent" she said.

"Nah, my session time is up for good, sorry doc" I said with sarcasm.

"This is serious. Its about Gloria. I know what she's up to and I was on the verge of stopping her before you entered the room.." she sounded frantic.

"What do you mean"? I asked.

"She bailed Jamie-O out of jail this morning. He's been wondering around town for hour's now and she mentioned him finishing what he started and that she'd help him get away with it..I wasn't sure what she meant but then I remembered our session from a few days ago. How Jamie hurt you and Arnold. Im afraid he may have already put the plan in motion. Whatever you do, make sure Arnold stay's put.." she said.

I quickly hung up the phone and called Arnold back. My phone could barely keep still in my shaking hands. There was an answer in a few rings, which made me feel a bit at ease. "Hey where are you?" I asked in a panic.

"...Hey fire storm, how the hell are ya?" he asked.

I knew immediately who it was. I was too late.


End file.
